Confessions

Semua orang nak kurus. Semua. Especially teenagers zaman sekarang. Tak main lah diet diet. Telan pil terus. Apa guna peluh penat exercise bazir duit pergi gym cuci mata tengok gym instructor yang hot belaka when youu have the pleasure untuk telan pil and look hot without any effort at all?

Cuma side effect kidney rosak dan bakal mati in few years time itu kau tak kisah. Well. Kidney rosak bukan orang nampak and semua bakal mati nanti. One day. When the time has come.

Kan?

I'm not a size zero. I've been handling with this thin-ness issue since I was a primary kid. Time tu memang kurus. Of course lah kan. Tapi nampak aku awkward bila kau kurus tapi pipi tembam. Macam Donald Duck. Tak.

Macam Chipmunk.

Sumpah annoying badan masa tu. Tak apelah. Mama kata baby fat akan hilang once masuk sekolah menengah. Baiklah.

Masuk sekolah menengah still rasa insecure. Keperempuanan (if you know what I mean) macam nak tak nak. Sedih. Period pun datang lambat, tak geng dengan Mama and my sisters. Confirm diri ada something wrong. Rasa diri buruk time tu, rasa nak bunuh diri 24/7, rasa insecure gila, rasa badan awful and memang nekad I'm in that state forever.

I still remember my first lingerie. Paksa my eldest sis beli. Walaupun it wasnt the right time for me, Miss Late Bloomer. Tetap paksa. Masa tu excited masa Kotex datang sekolah bagi pad free sebab curious rasa period macam mana. OH GOD AWFUL GILA PERIOD NI. Masa tu sedih dengar my friends cakap beli baju macam macam style lepas tu balik rumah tulis dalam diary nak bunuh diri.

Badan keding takde figure ada hati nak pakai baju ada cutting. In the end macam budak laki pakai baju girl.

Aneh kan?

Aku still di-cop as budak tinggi galah tapi keding gila. Masa form 4, semua, SEMUA akan paksa aku makan banyak masa zaman asrama. Sikit sikit sua makan lepas tu cakap ''Hang kena makan banyak nanti hang kuruih laki tak suka tengok. Macam jerangkung''

Memang sekor sekor nak kena penampar sedas.

But I took their advice, and gain 8 kilos in 6 months. Debab time tu. Pipi tak payah cakap lah. 10 kilo. I was happy. Masa tu berat 56kg. Seronok! Excited gila bila balik rumah pakai seluar tak muat.

Masa Form 5 tu la mendadak turun berat. Bukan sebab putus cinta, sebab simpan duit. Makanan terhad sangat, duit tak berapa nak ada. Yelah. Tiap2 minggu dok mintak duit je kan. Sebab makanan sedap2 and kat sana murah tapi aku jenis makan banyaaaaak gilaaaaaa lepas tu nanti stok makanan habis buat muka sedih dengan dormates siapa ada maggi lebih. Tak Maggi, mesti bihun PAMA. Aku suka bihun, and selalu pau Ain. Masa form 5 baru rasa nak sayang diri, sayang badan, love my own self. Itu pun kejap, sebab ada boyfriend. Jarak jauh pun sanggup. Gatal. Nak buat macam mana. Kita nun jauh di Perlis duduk asrama. Dia di Selangor, hari hari tengok kalendar tunggu buah hati balik masa cuti sekolah. Tup tup putus.

Dah rasa down balik rasa diri ni macam worthless. I dont know bout you guys, tapi my life as teenagers, memang F up gila. Cepat betul rasa nak bunuh diri lah, rasa nak nangis pagi sampai malam, rasa tak lawa sebab hitam and tak putih macam perempuan kat iklan,rasa nak kelar kelar tangan sebab orang cakap budak emo buat macam tu, rasa nak dye rambut, rasa nak pierce sana sini baru nampak macam ganas biar orang takut nak buli.

Lepas Form 5 sampai sekarang, baru 2 kali kot berat cecah 50kg. Mati mati ingat cacing siap pergi beli Zentell kat farmasi lepas tu makan hoping cacing takde. Tapi macam tu jugak badan. Yeah kita minum susu anlene. Tetap sama. Makan lah banyak mana pun, tetap macam ini.

Dahlah kurus, keding pulak. Tak payah tarik nafas panjang panjang. Selak baju je dah nampak tulang / ribs. Orang pakai skinny jeans nampak cantik, so after many years and many persuasions from others, aku pun beli. Murah je tapi, sebab nak try. Dah ada orang komen kaki macam tiang letrik. Terus simpan taknak pakai dah. Rasa diri buruk balik. I'm a tall girl, with low self esteem because of how I look and how much I weigh. I'm 168cm and no, I'm not lying. Aku memang sama tinggi dengan Hanis Zalikha. I'm the shortest in my family and the thinnest. I'm only 44kg at the moment because I'm fasting (Bulan puasa je mesti turun at least 2 kilo) and my usual weight is 46-48kg.

I'm not anorexia. I'm not bulimic. I eat. I eat a lot. I eat and I get hungry in less than 2 hours after my big meal. Semua pelik. Doctor cakap I'm healthy cuma blood pressure low sebab kurus sangat. 90/60 tu normal BP masa demam. Haritu pernah sekali dapat high BP ; 120/70 lepas tu kena marah dengan Doc cakap kenapa stress sampai kena hypertension. Selalu hypotension je. My body is weird. My legs are very thin. I cant wear clothes that is tight fitting because people will think that I'm anorexia. Or that I dont eat. I am not size zero. People don't usually think when they make a nasty comment about my body. They think that I want this body, I'm dieting and such. I used to hate this body. I'm ashamed of it, actually. I'm so thin that if we're walking together and you punched me jokingly I'd fall down. My sisters does that and yes, I did fall down. It hurts when people judged me because of my body type. They think that I'm those kinda girls who is eating illegal pills just to look thin. I'm not a monster. I'm not anorexia. Please stop accusing me of that.

I may look tough on the outside, but inside I'm weak. I cry all the time whenever people say bad things about me. I almost fainted when people call me anorexia chick. Please. Stop. I dont have eating disorder. I dont. It's my metabolism. I've always been this thin since I could remember. My family is known for our high metabolism and we usually gain a lot of weight after we're 25. 3 more years to go. Let me enjoy my body. I've learned to love it a lot these days. Benn told me that I look normal, and because of my height that people tend to notice that I'm thin. I used to asked him endlessly if I look normal.

Benn's answer is simple ;

''I'll love youu no matter what body shape you have. I love you for who you are''

He taught me how to love myself and be confident. How to not be insecure anymore. And yes, I love my body because more and more people come to me and confront that they would kill just to have my body.

Aint that the nicest thing

Ladies, be true to yourself. You have one body and one body only for the rest of your life. If you yourself dont love it then who will? God created us in different ways and lovely ways. You might not see that you're beautiful, but someone out there will. Why risk yourself with those illegal pills? If you're curvy, be happy that you're healthy. Be bootylicious like Beyonce. If you're stick thin like me, be happy that you're healthy. Be fabulous like Agyness Deyn. Just be happy no matter what size you are. Love your body ladies. Be confident. That's the new sexy. :')