death .

there are so many things i wanna write about. so many things i wanna share, mostly about death. yes, death.

but i'm too sleepy jadi malam ini kita bersandiwara di sini ya?

p.s : rasanya hujung tahun nak celebrate new year sorang sorang. dah biasa dah, duduk kat rumah, panjat bumbung and layan bunga api sorang sorang. *sigh*

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tulisan diatas dalam pukul 4 sebelum menyembahkan badan di atas katil empuk bukan kepunyaan diri sambil memeluk bantal dan angankan Benn. gatal, memang. haha. rindu biasalah tu. nak nak pulak layan perasaan masa hujan. ah nyaman. i love the rain, don't you?
rahmat kan hujan? :)

sekarang sudah pukul 11.43pm. mengantuk? memang mengadalah kalau kata mengantuk. tadi bantai tidur sampai nak maghrib. tak senonoh. haha. nasib baik it's that time of the month.

ya. mau cerita pasal Death.
so grab your serious Hat and let's continue shall we?
*latar belakang lagu Jason Castro - Let's fall in love again - sumpah tak kena dengan tajuk, tapi sebab rindu Benn maka pasang lah lagu tu. GEDIK. memang. haha*

*ehem*

Ok. SERIOUS kembali.

Death. it's synonym to sadness, the unknown, horrible and etc. have you experienced a death of any loved ones? or a near-death experience maybe? i have. many, many times. you see, i love cats. kittens in particular. and i have a HUGE cage, man-made mind you ; with marble floors okay. i'm not exaggerating, we built those comfy cages for our then 30 cats when we were renovating the house and my parents decided to use those extra marble tiles for the cages. ain't it lovely? lol. and i named them all. and yes, i do remember each and every one of them. including whose the mother and the father and etc. cool eh? maybe not. we must have like care for 60 cats or so since we do give it away or they died.

first ; Owen.
Death. yeah. it's painful to see any of them dies. macam lihat anak sendiri mati. seriously. i remembered one incident, i was 11 at that time. i went to a neighbours house and when i came back i couldn't find my beloved cat, Owen. no, not Owen as in Michael Owen. it's OWEN as in OREN with w in it. konon comel lah tu? pfft. I couldn't find him anywhere. he used to sleep under a bench and he wasn't there. i search high and low, for 2 hours. exhausted and frustration lead me to being all cranky and i cried to my mama. i told mama i couldn't find Owen anywhere. ''search under those small cages. maybe he's there''. and so i have found him! i was so happy but he wasn't moving. the way he's sleeping is so funny, i thought. as i pull him near me, i saw those bloody tooth print.

i cried for days and wouldn't eat. i keep on blaming god and told mama i should be dead instead of Owen since i'm older than him. mama told me to pray a lot, and stop saying stupid things.

i curse that snake till today. and oh how i hate snakes.

that was my first death experience. or so it was a brutal one. i loved Owen. maybe that's what makes it harder. what a way to deal with death, having a snake to kill your kitten. i was eleven for god sakes.
it was hard, even though he's just a cat. and my next one was even brutal.

second ; budak comot.
i was 14. he's name was budak comot. saturday. need to be at school for extra-curricular activities around 8. and it's 7.39. we - my bro in law and me - was rushing. and budak comot happened to be walking behind our van at that time. and we hit him. he died instantly.

i felt guilty for months. he was white, and he was cute but comot. it was horrible. seeing his brains and those blood. i couldnt eat for days. or i tried to but i couldnt.

third ; mama
and so i moved on. along the way, there were many deaths that occur and it hit me. why is death so painful for the living to watch or witness? i witness my own mama's death when i was 18. it's been 3 years since i heard her voice, her laughter and her delicious cooking. watching her suffering for years due to cancer was heart breaking even though she never said anything. superman? ultraman? pfft. i have a super woman already. the moment she told me to care for myself i knew at that time she's gonna leave me. leaving us. leaving my papa alone to face the world. leaving us alone to deal with our own lives. leaving the world and finally be peaceful without suffering. 5 years sayang, 5 BLOODY YEARS we have to watched her suffering in pain. you fikir mudah nak tengok ibunda sendiri kesakitan buat chemo? you fikir senang nak tengok ibunda sendiri ; yang penat penat gendong you dalam perut dia 9 bulan dan hampir putus nyawa nak lahirkan you ke dunia ini, makin hari makin kurus dan tak larat nak cakap? how i cried. you have no idea. and during her last few weeks left with us, she didn't want me to be around her. she rejected me. and how would you think i felt? menangis macam orang gila dalam bilik sampai kakak kakak kena pujuk saying mama sayang you and all. i was starting college at that time and i couldnt concentrate. and on june 19 2006, mama passed away. at 3.30 am. i was calm. perhaps because my sisters told me dont you dare cry in front of mama's dead body. because we did promise her we wont cry. and it's a hard one to keep you know. to see my papa cried for the first time, makes me wanna cry even more. but i was sitting next to mama, during the tahlil/something something thingy, while waiting for my grandma from Kedah to come and see her daughter in law for the last time. her cousins (mama's) cried as hell, my aunties, my uncles, my sisters(we did tried our best not to cry) and there were just so many of them crying.

i whisper to mama one last thing.
''mama, i know your spirit is around. therefore i wanna tell you one thing. i love you. sorry i've been a difficult child. rest in peace mama. you've suffered so much. we love you. i love you. i'll pray for you''

and so, i cried. i couldnt stand it. the environment was so gloomy and i lost my mama. a person that's so very dear to me.

dont do suicide sayang sayang. it's hard enough to deal with natural causes of death already without having you guys tempering with it. sayangi lah jiwa anda, it's the only one you've got. death is easy as the western people told us. but it's not. it's painful, regardless who you are.
but do not hate it for one day you'll face death face to face. i'm terrified to think about it.

i just miss my mama so much.

p.s : nangis. alahai.