nightmares.

I rather stay awake lately. It's not my normal self but I'm tired of sleeping. Funny eh? I used to get 10-14 hours of sleep in 24hours just for the sake I love those dreams floating in my mind, waiting for it to become a reality in my fantasy-land. I get what i want there, every time, anytime of the day. I felt that it's my serenity, my escapism, the place to call my own. A place I feel so secure I knew there's nothing, NOTHING could snatch it away from me. Yes, those fantasy-land is where I long to be. It's the only place I truly get to be me, a place I'm so calm I rarely get nightmares, a place where I can say what I want and do what I like. I hated the reality and rather stay alive and bubbly in those fantasy-land of mine.

Childish and foolish, don't you think so?

Perhaps. Humans are way more cruel than before. I used to hate the reality, it's so bitter. With fake people and fake feelings, I often wonder where have all the good things, those good feelings gone to. Heaven perhaps. People rarely think of others and do as they pleased. They would sell their soul in exchange of power, money or women. I think it's sick. And therefore each night I'll visit my fantasy-land just to feel alive, feeling like there's nothing that could harm me and just escape from this cruel, man-eating world.

And now I'd rather stay awake. Been having too many nightmares and now I'm terrified to even take a nap. If I'm sleepy, I'll grab my laptop or my drugs and just be in another kind of fantasy-land that doesn't consist of sleeping.

What kind of drugs eh you ask?

The kind that is square, with words in it. It's always been my fav drugs. Figure it out, I'm sure you're smart. :)

Reality is too harsh these days. Most of the time I'd rather deal with those freaky nightmares that kept me up all night. No one knows this, not even him. He doesn't get me. And I don't usually get him. I wonder why we're in it the first place?

*sigh*

Waking every 30 mins or so and trying my best to get some shut eye is bugging me. It does. Drinking milk before going to bed doesn't help a bit. Shucks. I wanna be happy again. Lately I'm not, truthfully. I think I'm at it again. Been having a problem with my issues ever since I was a kid and now it's back to haunt me and I'm all alone, again.
It's hard to face something that you're scared you're gonna fall into ; not to mention the temptation is WAY too high and it's darn risky to risk everything just like that. I'm used to being alone. But when I am truly alone, I needed that extra hand holding me, telling me that it's okay to be scared and I would have some support.

*sigh*

No one gets me. Not even my siblings. I am a difficult child. But I've changed. Change is good, right? But now when I wanna be truly happy, those ghosts are haunting me. I wanna be free, and happy again. Please give me back my sanity. Please bring back my fantasy-land.

I need you more than ever. And you just treat me like another stranger. *sigh*

p.s : No, you don't get it because to you I don't make any sense. Why should it make any sense when deep down you and i both know that you don't even know me?