Mother. Cancer. And everything else.

I like how tumblr turns purple for the gay people that committed suicide, but not pink for breast cancer awareness month for all the people that didn't have a choice between life and death.

I'm kinda sensitive in that department. For those who don't know, i lost my mama to cancer 4 years ago. It's gruesome to see my mama in such pain - chemotherapy, constantly losing weight. I miss her everyday. Simple things reminds me of her, actually. Cooking, cleaning the house, reading books, going to college (i always remember her exact words ; Belajar sampai genggam degree) and yes mama, I'm on my way. I do hope you're proud of me.

Mama was smiling all the way. Bachelor in Communication. She was 57? 58? at the time

Just did my monthly routine (weekly too, if i'm not busy) of the breast examination. I am paranoid. I'd go to the clinic if any lump appears. Like a few months back. I was having my period and my breast hurts like hell. I was so paranoid I thought I was going to die. I cried for days because it really hurts (I cant even lie down without crying) and eventually I went to the clinic for a check up. I was kinda relieved to know that I had tear a muscle and nothing serious.

After what happened to my mama, how could one not be paranoid right?

It's not easy being in this transition from teenager to adulthood without a mum. I miss her terribly. Cried constantly whenever I had a fight with my dad or any of my sisters. Wishing that she's here, consoling me that everything is fine and I'm just being over sensitive.

I haven't visited her grave for years even though it's just behind our house. Literally. Belakang

rumah is kubur. And so 1 day I decided to visit her grave, since we (my siblings) couldnt go to her grave without crying and sobbing non-stop. I asked Benn to accompany me because it's scary to go to the graveyard alone (even though in the middle of the day) because there are crooks

everywhere. And to my horror, I forgot which one is hers. I was so blank and blur that I can't

remember where I buried my mother, my own mother 4 years ago. Then I calm down because the feeling was overwhelming and then I saw it. It looked differently of course, one should expect that because there were so many ''additions'' around her. I cried afterwards, thinking how could a child not remember where her mother's grave is.

I told my dad. He asked slowly ''You can't find her grave?'' I shook my head and told him I can't at first because I was crying inside, trying my best not to cry. He smiled and told me ''It's the only one with batu sungai. Surely you'd remember that'' I smiled and told him ''Well how can you be so sure when there's one next to it is also one with batu sungai?'' He laughed and smiled

''Yah, Mama tak akan marah yah tak jumpa kubur dia. Mama marah kalau yah tinggal

solat. Yang penting yah tak lupa mama. Semua kena doakan mama''

Okay. I'm not one of those pious ones but i'm trying my best to strengthen my faith. When she died, I was kinda upset and blame it on HIM. Yeah I know it's the worst thing to do but I was 18 and kinda lost in that section.

So up until now I can't read anything about cancer because it shatters up my heart and I'll miss my mama even more. So stop acting like it's okay to move on because as far as I'm concern, my therapist once told me

''Only you yourself will know when the time is right to move on. Take your time, just don't lose your faith along the way. Love is too deep to be forgotten just like that''

Mama with her mama. My grandma still cries whenever we mention about her eldest daughter.

Nevertheless, I love you Mama. Always have, always will.

You're my strength. I miss your laughter so badly. And your cooking. Your kaftan that you love to wear so much every single day. Your uniform because that's my source of income (you'd always go berserk if you find out that your coins are missing and the culprit is me). Your scarfs ; the ones you'd search high and low for only to find out that one of your daughters borrowed it without asking. Your beautiful shoes ; we can't fit in them because we have giant feets and you're like size 5. Your gorgeous handbags. Your wonderful clothes and sense of style. I've always like to see you getting ready for an event, a kenduri, anything. I miss your moisturizer because when I smell it, it reminds me of you. I miss lotsa things mama. I know you're gone and nothing can change that but I'm thankful you're always there for me for 18 years. You were dissapointed with my spm results but u didn't show it, you quickly asked me to further my studies. Gosh ma. You're amazing, do you know that?

I'm thankful to have such an amazing mother. Al-fatihah.