Syawal 1431H

It's 4 a.m and I can't sleep. Hello again insomnia. Kept myself busy for few hours playing scrabbles but ended up losing to various strangers is one hell of frustration I can't explain. I need to read more books and learn my vocabs.

Frustration. s.

People say things happened for a reason and I am yet to wonder what reason could slap me on the face for me to deserve all that? I'm not exactly Megan Fox nor Miss oh-i'm-so-perfect-i'm-gonna-die. But cut some slack will ya? Yes, I'm 22. I know I should be acting my age but it's a process I am yet to discover. Being depressed isn't something I WANT to do or be in the situation. It's exhausting. It really is. You're suddenly moody all the time, you wanna scream out loud, you wanna cut yourself so that you could have that taint evidence that you're alive. I read in a mag once about depression and ANYONE could fall into it without even realizing it. Funny eh? You're depressed and you don't even know it. I am a pessimist and always will be. I am trying to change but please bear with me during this awful process. I'm meditating, learning about my own body and how to control my mind by not thinking awful thoughts (killing myself is one option) and how to control my emotions better. I ain't perfect. No one is. Why keep on pushing me off the cliffs? To see if suddenly out of the blue I could magically or miraculously I could someday fly?

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Your brain dimwit.

It's really frustrating when people are irritated with my depression. I'm dealing with it, I am. I've been living in this body for almost 22 years so please, I do know what is best for me. Sometimes I like my privacy. I like to sit in my room alone without anyone disturbing. I am a bookworm. I love books like you can't imagine. My first love is my Enid Blyton Books. I need to focus when I'm reading because my imagination are way beyond yours even though I can't express it through my writings or drawings. When I read, I'm in the character, in the story. I feel what she/he is feeling. I cried many times reading P.S I Love You because I can't imagine to lose someone who is meant to be your soul mate. I'm terribly upset with the Twilight Saga because all four books are ultimately awesome (I'm a sucker for fantasy werewolf thingy) and the movies are so darn blah. So I'd rather not go watch movies taken from books because my expectations are high. So can you understand why I like my privacy every once in awhile?

People told me ''Get a grip, move on. Stop being depressed and live life''. Easy for you to say. Even experts told me that I should be ready on my own, get out of depression when I want to, by myself and not my some pushy people that's pushing me off the cliff and expect me to fly. Pfft. Who made you God anyway? I am dealing with it, I can assure you. How I am dealing with it is my problem and you don't have to be such a bad ass about it. I admit my emotions are not like roller coasters, the speed are more like rockets. Okay. Perhaps G5. But they can changed in a blink of an eye. It's really frustrating even to myself because I can't help it.

I'm off to bed because I'm crying. Only God knows why. I cried for the first time during 1st Raya because I think I miss my late mother too much. Little things hurts, you know? I'm very sensitive and little remarks can stain my heart forever. I'm not strong for this. I am not. Why give me such treatment? Have I ever treat you that bad? I just want to belong. Something. Anything. Don't do this to me. I don't know how I will react in future because frankly, it really hurts.

Salam Aidilfitri.