emotional .

i find that it's very emotional to enter my house let alone to sleep in my room. been staying with my eldest sister for god know how long and now i'm at TBC. have an engagement ceremony tomorrow in Klang and here i am, back at TBC. seeing Tootee (my sister's cat) makes me feel sad because she kinda reminds me of Beegee, which died last year or the year before under my supervision. :(

i went through some of my things ; searching for a puncher and found my mama's medicine bag. i opened it and found her sling bag. it used to have her scent but i guess after 4 years, it tends to fade. :( and i almost choked up when i found my gold bracelet and necklace which i only wear during Eid and to think of it -off all these years she's been gone, i never ponder where my bracelet and necklace that she gave me and now i've found it, i just miss her even more.

the hardest part is that she's just next door. literally. kubur betul2 belakang rumah. and yet it hurts me to go to her grave. i've been there, doing silly stuffs like talking to her as if she's alive because there was a point where i had no one to talk to and i miss her so much. do you know what it feels like to miss someone yang dah tiada? it's like so stupid sebab rindu pada orang yang tiada kan. i've been praying for her and i think if i talk about missing her in public such as in facebook or here, i dont think it means that i dont pray for her safety and pray that mama tergolong dalam golongan orang2 beriman dan diampunkan segala dosa2nya. i think it's unfair for certain people to think that. yes, i may not be pious enough but i do pray and sometimes i do talk to ALLAH when i feel like i wanna talk and feel so calm inside. it's hard to explain. you wont understand.


how would it be if she's alive kan? but she's gonna have that cancer anyway. she's gonna be in so much pain that it hurts us more than her to see that she's hiding the pain from us. so yeah, i do brace the fact that she's gone to stop her from suffering any longer.

Mama. i miss you so much. i would do anything just to her your laughter again. your cooking, i wont complain that it's too spicy. sigh. but i know it's impossible.


i love you. you're the best mama in the world.