Serigala Jadian

Twenty 3

2011-12-14T00:20:00.004+08:00

Sudah dua tiga usia. Terasa tua jika berdiri sebelah anak-anak buah yang semakin menambah. Terasa muda jika duduk sebelah Papa, yang berusaha mengingati tarikh lahir puteri bongsunya ini.

Tak banyak yang aku doa tahun ini. Tak seperti tahun-tahun lalu. Bukan merasa diri hebat tidak perlukan doa, cuma aku mahu belajar bersyukur dari meminta-minta. Malu jika terus meminta tanpa sekelumit rasa syukur di hati.

Malam semalam tepat jam 12, aku berdoa agar Papa dipanjangkan umur, dimurahkan rezeki dan terpenting diberi kesihatan yang baik oleh-NYA.

2 tahun lepas aku kecik hati dengan Papa sebab dia lupa wish. Aku merajuk. Aku sembunyi dalam bilik satu hari. Esoknya Papa bagi message yang buat aku nangis tak henti.

How powerful my dad is. Simple words, yet aku nangis beriya.

And tahun ini how he tried his best to say these words ;

"Happy Birthday"

He smiled and hulurkan tangan kanan. Slowly Papa sebut "Happy Birthday". Walaupun tak perfect, tapi aku terharu. Aku rasa nak nangis. Aku tahan sebab malu. Sebak sangat-sangat. Aku cium tangan Papa, aku cium pipi Papa and aku senyum.

Papa hulurkan sampul. Papa tanya mahu makan di mana, dia mahu belanja.

Allah saja yang tahu berapa banyak kali aku menangis masa bersiap tadi. Sebak sebab with his condition macam tu, he still wishes to make his daughter happy walaupun pada hakikatnya aku yang kena buat Papa happy. Sebak sebab Papa masih ingat birthday aku walaupun he can't pronounce my name. Sebak sebab after all these years, I am still and always will be Papa's little girl. :')

Bongsu. Perempuan. Manja. Sensitif. Hati tisu.

Semua ini aku rasa buatkan Papa extra risau pasal aku.

Dan aku rasa aku satu-satunya anak perempuan yang Papa pesan untuk kenalkan buah hati pada dia. Untuk approval, katanya. :)

Ya Allah tolong makbulkan doa aku yang satu itu. Aku tak mohon banyak, cuma itu. Give me a chance to redeem myself and make him proud. Itu saja.

Kerana sampai ke hari ini, aku masih terkilan tidak sempat buat Mama bangga.

Just random.

2011-11-19T22:22:00.006+08:00

I'm too lazy to update my blog with my endless ramblings (not in the mood, like most bloggers these days)

Hence, the photos. Random ones. I love them with all my heart. :)

Oh. P/S : I miss you, Benn. :)

I miss them. I miss this.

2011-11-17T01:46:00.001+08:00

Dua di Zagazig, Egypt. Dua di Shah Alam. Satu di Klang.

The reason I miss my classmates.

2011-11-17T00:41:00.003+08:00

Buah Hati

2011-11-10T19:31:00.002+08:00

Meltdown

2011-11-01T17:14:00.004+08:00

I'd be lying if I say I don't miss him. Of course I do. Manusia mana takkan rindu kalau macam ni, true? But so far so good. I'm still holding on. A few texts here and there is enough to keep me happy. The only thing that's bugging me is the time difference. Guess it's way too early to adapt though.

Everyone is being super sweet and asking me how I'm doing. (The ones who know, that is). When I reply "I'm okay", they would say that it's okay to cry and all.

Funny that I haven't had the meltdown I've been imagining I would have since the day he broke the news. I did cry my hearts out whenever he called when he's around but now that he's gone, not a drop of tear. Not even when I said my last goodbye to him. I surprised myself that I am THIS strong. All my life, I've been told that I'm more like my dad, whose heart is super soft. Me, being a woman, added being such a crybaby to that list.

Perhaps it's too early for the meltdown? Or my heart is slowly toughening up?

Selamat Tinggal Arjuna Raga

2011-10-20T18:09:00.005+08:00

28 October. Tarikh keramat.

Tipu kalau aku bilang aku tidak nangis.

Saat dikhabarkan berita itu,

air mata seakan peneman

seakan memahami

seolah mahu pujuk jiwa.

Hati berkecai. Tersepai.

Terpecah-belah.

Hati menangis. Jiwa memberontak.

Hati kata tidak. Jiwa ujar jangan.

Tapi siapa aku untuk menghalang?

Siapa?

Cuma orang biasa menuntut jiwa dia

Menanti cinta

Menunggu dia.

Mahukan dia.

Menangis.

Bisa pujuk hati dalam sekelip mata.

Bisa rapuhkan lagi rasa kecewa.

Bisa hapuskan rasa jiwa.

Bisa hentikan amarah diri

Bisa bergolak jiwa mahukan semua itu lagi.

Hati menangis. Masih terkedu. Masih membisu.

Jiwa makin memberontak, makin melawan.

Tak sanggup terima kenyataan.

Tidak.

Tak akan.

Mana mungkin aku bisa jadi seperti dulu?

Sekuat itu?

Setabah itu?

Sebahagia dulu?

Kuatnya aku kerna dia.

Semangat dia.

Ketawa dia.

Amarah dia.

Tangisan dia.

Jujurnya iklas setiap kata-kata dia.

Kekuatan aku hilang bersama dia.

Kerana dia sudah tiada.

Takkan ada berbulan lamanya.

Takkan ada mungkin juga bertahun.

Tak pasti.

Yang pasti cuma aku sendiri.

Disini.

Ditinggal penuh emosi.

Dibiar menjadi kuat untuk sekali

Diajar supaya tabah hadapi hari-hari lain nanti.

Aku rindu.

Rindu untuk mengadu,

walau dia dengar tidak berkata.

Rindu untuk bertanya,

dan dia setia menjawab semua.

Rindu untuk ketawa,

kerana aku bahagianya ada dia.

Ikhlas aku pinta

jangan pernah berhenti menjadi pendengar setia.

jangan pernah berhenti menjawab soalan-soalan semua.

jangan pernah berhenti buat aku ketawa.

dan

jangan sesekali hentikan rasa sayang di jiwa.

Mungkin ini.

2011-10-10T00:20:00.004+08:00

Lama betul kali ni aku biar Serigala Jadian berhabuk. Maaf. Terlampau busy dengan dunia maya lain. Salahkan Biz Stone and the rest of the clan.

Aku rasa manusia dah hilang kuasa privacy. Thanks to all these addictive social networks. Aku selalu je bukak blog ni, but bila nak taip rasa macam numb. Macam bila kau speechless, hah gitulah konsepnya.

Aku dah nak masuk dua tiga. Rasa a bit tua, sebab kalau pergi library ada zon remaja, dan zon dewasa ; aku tak sesuai masuk zon remaja. (Bukan tak boleh but materials there aren't suitable for my age).

Rasa aneh. Rasa macam nak fit in dalam society susah sebab aku belum cukup matang nak berborak perihal dewasa but aku dah matang nak bicara pasal puberty semua. Okayy. You get the drift lah kan.

19 days. Nineteen days. Nineteen. Sembilan belas hari. Okay. I'm actually not prepared for any of these emotional breakdown, heartbreaks, puffy-eyes and depression. But I guess I must, eh? Suka atau tak, it's gonna happen eventually. Which sucks, pretty much.

Mata bengkak pergi exam. Alasan satu sebab study last minute dan stay up all night dan kedua, menangis. Aku jarang tipu to those around me and so bila ditanya kenapa mata bengkak, bibir terkumat-kamit jawab ; semalam nangis.

Bila ditanya kenapa,

aku nangis lagi. Sebak.

Tak boleh focus exam ketiga. Memang tak boleh. Aku study but tak boleh masuk. Aku cuba study, but tak mampu. Aku betul-betul fall deep into the pit of depression dan aku rasa useless. Orang tak mungkin faham. They dont get it sebenarnya. Mereka banyak peduli pasal hati sendiri, jadi aku malas mahu cerita.

Aku doa pointer tak drop. Kalau static tak mengapa, aku bersyukur sangat.

Aku wonder if aku cukup matang untuk tunaikan janji-janji aku. Cukup matang untuk bersabar, cukup matang untuk memahami, cukup matang untuk tidak menangis hari-hari.

Ada teman bagi nasihat terulung ; dia kata kalau sekarang sudah mengalah, esok lusa tak mahu mengandung sebab takutkan beranak. Ayat dia kelakar sebenarnya, sebab tak relevan langsung dengan situasi hidup aku but dia betul. Takkan lah sebab takut nak beranak makanya aku tak nak mengandung? Bullshit.

In the end, aku perlu kuat. I have to. I must. I would be lying if I said the last few days (weeks, even) have been great. My emotions have been anything but stable. I've been sad and angry and all mixed feelings that I can't expressed to anyone.

At times, I need comforting words from my friends but some of them are pretty 'busy', so I'll just mend my own broken heart. I just wanna feel safe again, like I used to feel.

But life is unpredictable, baby. And the ones you leaned on to may leave you for another person.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Wordless Wednesday # 5

2011-08-24T10:32:00.002+08:00

This. that.

2011-08-17T22:42:00.002+08:00

*Tiup habuk*

It's been ages since my last entry. Nak kata busy, boleh tahanlah tidak. Nak kata tak busy, tak jugak.

Haritu niat nak buat one-day-one-entry but biasalah, angan-angan tak kesampaian. So here goes. *baki hari-hari yang dimuatkan dalam satu entry*

who i would like to meet : Johnny Depp
weird things i do when i’m alone. : i tend to sleep when i'm alone. sorta addicted to sleep like nobody's business
how i’d spend ten thousand dollars. : Pay back my student loan. Or invest. Or not.
things i like and things i don’t like about the way i look. : I like my eyes. And I dont like my legs.
what i am wearing : Tee and boxers.
the person who has hurt me the most in life. : voldemort in human form and his "allies"
my last night out in detail. : Nothing much. Berbuka at home, as usual
something that makes me sad when i think about it. : my mama
something i’ve lied about. : my weight (i tend to add extra kilos when people ask)
something i’m currently worrying about. : my cgpa
one person i’d throw off a cliff, one i’d marry. : throw? voldemort in human form. marry? benn.
something i do without realising. : biting my lips until they bleed.
lyrics that apply to my current situation/mood. : "dont give up on me baby" - The scripts
something i regret. : knowing voldemort in human form.
post a picture of myself. : no.
my longest relationship and who it was with. : current one, with benn.
5 things i want to change. : my hair, my shoes, my purse, my cellphone and perhaps my car
my view on being famous. : people wanna be famous and yet when they're famous they wanna hide themselves. like defakk?
someone i’d like to be for a day and why. : i wanna live a day as Blake Lively. Just for the sake of it
5 things within touching distance. : Cellphone. Bottle. Pen. Notes. Mouse
story of my first kiss. : When i was born, mama kiss me on both cheeks and said that i look like my dad.

Dua benda.

2011-07-31T00:37:00.003+08:00

Currently getting myself ready for 2 main events in my life ;

Ramadhan and Midterm Exams.

Monday, 1st August would be the first day of Ramadhan and my first day of midterm. Nice one. I'm not complaining due to tak larat puasa ke ape, I'm just worried I wont be able to focus. I have problems fasting these days, sejak sakit. Nothing to worry kot. Just a minor set back but takpelah. Hopefully I'll able to fast and excel in my exams at the same time. :) *positive thinking*

1st August : Food Processing & Preservation
2nd August : Observational Behaviour
3rd August : Purchasing and Menu Planning

p/s: Bilik baru kemas. Alhamdulilah lapang otak. Ceh ceh. Yang comelnya ada gambar papa and arwah mama, I put it there so that bila malas study I'll have inspiration. :)

p/p/s : Salam Ramadhan semua. Semoga tahun ini bulan Ramadhan membawa keberkatan yang tak terhingga kepada kita. May Allah accept our good deeds and we're blessed throughout the holy month, InsyaAllah.

Day 4 : The best thing that has happened to me this week

2011-07-29T23:24:00.003+08:00

Can't think of any event but bonding with my fellow TW ; Amalina and Shazila is fun fun fun! They're the best. Sekarang semua dalam dilemma (aiseh, dilemma kau ingat macam dilemma nelly kelly hape?) malas study. Kenapalah. Mood semua terbang keluar tingkap.

The other best thing this week is Benn took a leave this afternoon to come to Shah Alam to see me. Sweet macam gula boyfriend aku ni. He had to do a market survey regarding his research and dia datang sini, buat surprise and ajak aku tolong dia sekali. Sweet lah tu ngedate sambil buat kerja. Hihi. I don't mind at all, lama gila tak jumpa dia. Busy betul. Kesian dia penat kerja. When you're working at a research center, macam tulah. Kadang-kadang malam baru balik, esok pagi-pagi dah kena datang tengok result. Hurm. But takpelah. Experience kan. Baru seronok sikit dia buat Viva nanti. Banyak benda dia boleh elaborate pasal practical dia :)

Besides that, nothing much. I don't have the mood to blog these days. I'm truly sorry. Nanti tunggu post tajuk best sikit eh? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

p/s : Aku paling suka gambar diatas. Sebab aku suka lompat and gambar ni je antara gambar menjadi. Hihihi

Day 3 : 5 things that irritate me about the same/opposite sex

2011-07-25T22:41:00.002+08:00

1. Tardiness. It's irritating as hell.

2. Liars.

3. Hypocrites. Say it to my face, will ya?

4. Bragger

5. Messy eater

Day 2 : A famous person I've been compared to

2011-07-23T22:05:00.003+08:00

Masa aku sekolah rendah, dorang panggil aku Oprah. Mungkin sebab aku gelap dan rambut aku kerinting. Seriously kerinting nigga pun kalah

Ni comparison dari segi physical lah. Aku rasa.

But aku tak kisah. Sebab dia ni successful gila kot. Aku aim nak jadi macam dia, dah kaya lepas tu tolong orang2. Anita Sarawak pun cuba untuk jadi macam Oprah but failed. Banyak pahala Oprah dapat andai kata dia orang Islam. But she's such an awesome person lah, regardless her race and religion. Memang awesome.

Tak kenal Oprah? Noob gila kau.

Day 1 : The person I like & why I like them

2011-07-22T10:13:00.008+08:00

Bukit Cerakah.

Class presentation

Melaka

Bowling tournament with mentor among mentees.

Me and Mira's birthday celebration

Sapik Jemba & Fana's birthday celebration

Amalina & Aida's birthday celebration

Fana's engagement

Treasure Hunt (Leadership day) Bolot semua hadiah. Evil liddat

Fav place to hangout :)

I can't think of just a single person right now. Obvious choice would be talking about Benn but he'll get his entry soon enough. And therefore I have choosen my greatest friends ever, the Toilet Whisperer aka TW!

A picture is worth a thousand words. Therefore I need not to explain more about this friendship I treasure. :)

26 days.

2011-07-22T10:02:00.004+08:00

Here goes. One day a post for 26 days. :)

the person i like and why i like them.
a famous person i’ve been compared to.
5 things that irritate me about the same sex/opposite sex.
the best thing that has happened to me this week.
who i would like to meet
weird things i do when i’m alone.
how i’d spend ten thousand dollars.
things i like and things i don’t like about the way i look.
what i am wearing
the person who has hurt me the most in life.
my last night out in detail.
something that makes me sad when i think about it.
something i’ve lied about.
something i’m currently worrying about.
one person i’d throw off a cliff, one i’d marry and one i’d fuck.
something i do without realising.
lyrics that apply to my current situation/mood.
a weird/funny story.
something i regret.
post a picture of myself.
my longest relationship and who it was with.
5 things i want to change.
my view on being famous.
someone i’d like to be for a day and why.
5 things within touching distance.
story of my first kiss.

Wordless Wednesday # 4

2011-07-20T23:30:00.001+08:00

2011-07-17T22:30:00.000+08:00

You're the one I want. Forever. Until eternity. Sampai syurga.

Wordless Wednesday # 3

2011-07-13T15:24:00.001+08:00

You know you're my best friend

2011-07-08T20:42:00.007+08:00

I love having him around. All the arguments, all the fighting it'll only bring us closer each day. I know we're what you may call as the awkward couple who people wouldn't dream of setting the both of us on a blind date together but it seems that from the very first day, we clicked very well. He's my lover, my punching bag and best of all my best friend. I can argue about anything with him ; politics, social, life, college, friends, but mostly life issues. I love him to bits. I'm weird. And his weirdness is somehow compatible with my weirdness then we fall into this mutual weirdness and call it love. I smile for no reason whenever you're around or when I hear your voice. You know you're my best friend :)

Aku ni jiwang sikit kasi surat cinta mintak maaf sebab buat hal gaduh dengan dia.

Aku memang kaki gaduh.

Lunch at Popeye's. Makan berebut strawberry jam dan sos cili.

Padahal boleh je amik sendiri. Nak jugak share berebut-rebut.

Aku suka annoy dia. Dia tak suka bergambar sebenarnya.

Masa ni nak keluar dah aku suruh dia tunggu jugak sebab nak snap gambar.

Ni take ke 10 ke berapa entah.

070709

p/s: You owe me 2 session at Meeples and baju cotton on satu! :p

Frustrations

2011-07-01T13:26:00.002+08:00

Kadang-kadang bila aku baca balik apa benda aku merepek di sini, aku tergelak sorang-sorang. Betul ke aku yang tulis semua benda ni? Macam tak logik. Kelakar pun ye jugak.

I'm a nobody. Dari segi glamour, aku bukan siapa-siapa. Bukan anak Dato', bukan anak Tan Sri, malah bukan anak 'somebody'. Cukuplah sekadar jadi anak Pakcik Saidin and Sharifah Solhah. Itu dah memadai. Dah macam menang award.

Aku tulis blog awal-awal dulu zaman friendster sebab aku nak luahkan what's inside me. Yelah, kadang kita cerita tu tak semua boleh faham. Tak semua peduli. Aku dulu tulis diary tapi penat. Sebab aku menaip lagi laju dari aku menulis, hence ze blog. Blog friendster dulu ada lagi. Serious macam budak-budak. Zaman muda remaja, biasalah. Jadi blog lah tempat aku luahkan semua. Zaman tu naive sikit. Sekarang tak berapa naive sangat. Naive in the sense of i'm aware what's happening around me, dari segi sosial, politics, artis (ni kadang-kadanglah, kalau bosan tahap maksimum) and people around me. Aku dulu request kat Mama nak belajar Psychology, sebab I dont get what people want actually. Cakap lain, body language lain. So I wanna learn all about it, nak faham kenapa cakap lain tapi sebenarnya maksud lain. Nak faham kenapa manusia ni kepoci. But as usual Mama reject. Dia kata kat Malaysia bidang tu tak boleh cari makan, tak boleh pergi jauh. She told me, in order to understand people, human beings tak perlu nak belajar tinggi-tinggi (meaning tak payah belajar psychology lah), cukup sekadar observe and evaluate and listen to other people's opinion and their life story.

Sebab? Jalan cerita kita as manusia tak akan sama. Similar, yes. But never the same.

And that's what I did for the past few years. Aku belajar how to evaluate people, observe. Kadang-kadang pergi shopping mall sorang-sorang and perhatikan gelagat manusia. Fun, sebenarnya. Lawak, mostly. Especially tengok couple gaduh. Comel, especially bila kids come up to me and smile.

Bila aku dah loosen up sikit, belajar kenal dunia, belajar evaluate people, learn why they behave in such manner on certain things, barulah aku faham kenapa manusia suka attention.

Nak dicerita pasal attention ni, have to admitlah kan semua, S E M U A orang mesti nak attention. Even myself. It's how you ask for attention and how you potray yourself tu yang membezakan.

Aku memang suka attention. Biasalah, anak bongsu. Perempuan pulak tu. Bila kau ada siblings ramai, you tend to sorta fight for the attention. Kira nak jadi kesayangan parents la. Jangan tipu kata kau tak nak attention mak or ayah kau. Mesti nak jugak kan.

Kalau budak-budak, hah lagi comel cara dia mintak attention. I have 2 nieces and 3 nephews, semua suka attention. Kadang-kadang comel tau dengar my niece cerita macam mana dia kat sekolah, kawan-kawan dia suka ejek dia sebab dia baik dengan boys, and makcik kantin kena buang kerja.

Y'know, simple things like telling her aunt a story pun dah bagi dia happy. Itu je dorang nak. They wanna share things with me, dorang nak aku sama-sama gelak bila dorang cerita dorang buat lawak but takde sape faham. Simple things macam tu. Attention bagi dorang is love and happiness. Kalau kau bagi attention, dorang rasa disayangi, rasa seronok, rasa happy.

The one thing yang aku susah sikit nak faham is attention seekers di alam maya.

Like I said before, aku tulis blog to express myself. Niat nak jadi writer but bahasa pun tunggang langgang jadi tak perlu berangan lah dah tua-tua macam ni. Aku tulis sebab nak share apa aku rasa. Nak luahkan kemarahan, nak lepaskan geram. Semualah senang cerita. Tak terlintas pun kat hati nak ada followers ke, nak jadi blogger hebat ke tak. Aku buat nuffnang pun sebab nak duit je. (Dasar mata duitan. Hahaha).

So aku macam a bit confuse bila certain people write sensitive things kat blog dorang just so nak dapat a lot of traffic. Blog politic memang aku tak singgah lah sebab aku rasa most of them are hypocrites (the bloggers, politician aku taknak sentuh sebab kau judge sendiri). Sebab apa aku cakap dorang hypocrite? Sebab dorang tulis hentam sana, hentam sini like dorang je bagus but in the end kau kerja government jugak. Macam tak kenang budi, tau tak? Macam orang tak bersyukur. Duit kau dapat tu bagi makan anak bini bukan ke duit tu duit kau serve kerajaan? Kau pencen esok dapat duit tiap-tiap bulan. Nak kecoh apa?

Tak ada satu pun negara di dunia ini yang pemimpin dia perfect, politician dia perfect takde salah silap.

Tak ada.

So bersyukur lah. Kau ni hina sangat kerajaan macamlah dorang campak kau kat Lorong Haji Taib suruh jual body. Bingai, tahu? I'm not saying the government is always right, but as my dad used to say 'bersyukurlah kita tak kebulur duduk tepi jalan merempat. at least ada jalan raya, ada air, ada electric. jadi kena bersyukur, siap boleh pergi holiday ada cuti balik kampung lagi. negara lain? africa? thailand? indonesia? lagi worse"

Sebab tulah aku tak singgah blog-blog yang membebel about politics ni, sebab aku taknak masuk campur. I know what's happening but malas.

Eh dah menyimpang masuk politics.

Okay sambung balik cerita about attention seekers.

As for me, aku agak tak suka kalau orang nak attention ni memburuk-burukkan orang lain. Kau nak attention, sila jual 'diri'. Meaning kau cari attention about kau je, kau cerita about yourself, pendapat kau. That's super fine. Aku tak kisah, sebab aku suka baca cerita orang lain. Cerita dia makan kat tempat-tempat best and share what food to eat, semua benda tu menarik bagi aku. Apatah lagi kalau dia cerita pasal pets, budak-budak. Lagi aku suka baca.

But bila kau dah start menegur when you dont have the right to do so, it's better not to say anything. Semua orang bukan perfect, kau pun sama.

Tak manis menegur bila kau nak tunjuk kau betul. Tak manis menegur mereka-mereka yang tak bertudung and bercouple. Tak manis juga menegur benda seperti cara menjaga anak di public sedangkan kau anak dara, tak manis menegur parent-parents tak pandai jaga anak sedangkan anak awak baru 8 tahun dan menegur ibu-ibu supaya breastfeed sedangkan kau seorang ayah yang baru berkahwin belum punya anak.

Sebab? That's their right. Itu hak dia. Kalau dia taknak pakai tudung sekalipun, kenapa kau kecoh? Mama selalu cakap "Allah lebih tau umat-NYA, kita siapa nak judge?" Kalau dia nak couple gaduh-gaduh itu hak dia, kau tak suka then nak buat macamana. Tak semua orang perfect macam kau. Kalau parents buat donno je kat anak2 dia yang terlolong jerit in public, kau dapat anak esok kau akan faham why certain parents buat camtu. Aku belum kahwin, yes. Anak buah je ada, betul tu. But aku tak pernah tempelak makbapak yang biar anak dia memekak in public sebab aku tau one day aku ada anak and aku akan experience sendiri macam tu. Kakak aku pernah kena tegur anak-anak dia hyper sangat. But kakak aku nak buat macam mana? Takkan tak bawak keluar anak-anak? Nanti culture shock pulak kalau anak tak kenal dunia. Bagus lahh anak hyper. At least dia have fun dari duduk diam diam je otak pun tak boleh develop. Dia mak, dia taulah nak handle anak macamana. Takkan nak kurung anak? Takkan nak marah anak? Anak sendiri kot. Dari benih kita.

One thing for sure, someone once told me that

"Never ever marah anak in public. Kita kena jaga maruah anak sebab it reflects us as parents. Kalau anak buat hal, kita kena hati kering, tahankan amarah tu sampai balik rumah nanti. If tak tahan sangat hah marah dalam kereta nanti"

Like I said before, sharing and menegur tu dua benda berbeza. Kau boleh nak share, but jangan disebabkan followers ramai makanya mata kau buta dan main tulis saja. Aku myself tidak perfect dan maaf cakap, aku dah hilang respect pada mereka-mereka ini disebabkan penulisan dorang. It's more like i-wanna-write-something-so-that-i-dont-dissapoint-my-followers rather than menulis dari hati.

Frust, tahu? Frust bila baca orang kau puja penulisannya, tiba-tiba menulis issue sensitive. Sedih. Dan terus hilang respect menggunung. Aku faham lain orang lain pemikirannya but I just wished that you would write from your heart again macam dulu-dulu.

Wordless Wednesday # 2

2011-06-29T15:21:00.000+08:00

Marriage.

2011-06-24T23:39:00.000+08:00

Let’s not stick to the cultural teachings which oppose the ease of Islam.

Culture is demanding and complicated whereas Islam is simple and lessens your burdens rather than increasing them.

A cultural wedding may include a hotel booked for the mayun, the mehndi, the dholki’s, the bachelor/bachelorette party the nikkah, the wedding reception and the valima. They may require you to spend generously on your clothes and jewellery for every occasion. It will demand you to serve luxurious food for all of your guests. Because of culture, the groom must be of a certain degree, with a certain valued estate with a certain valued vehicle and must be able to shower gifts on not just the bride but also her immediate and extended family. Don’t forget the DJ that has to be at the wedding. Culture pressurizes you to keep your image and status maintained in your society, for the people. Culture requires you to drown yourself into debt to pay off the bride’s mahr. The list goes on…

Islam is easy. For a young man who is read to be able to support himself and his wife, and provide for the both of them, it is prescribed to them to get married. Simple. Go to the masjid, get a nikkah done, go home. Provide a valima the next day with whatever available easily to your guests. That’s it. It doesn’t burden the groom with unnecessary expenses eventually leading him to get agitated by the idea of marriage, nor does it burden the bride’s parents by putting them in debt for the sake of their reputation. Islam shows you the importance of elevating your status in front of Allah rather than people. What could be more beautiful than that?

Would a marriage beginning with acts of disobedience be more blessed or the one for the sake of Allah swt carried out in the way He prescribed?

Got it from here

Wordless Wednesday # 1

2011-06-22T12:57:00.001+08:00

2011-06-18T13:47:00.002+08:00

Kadang-kadang kita kena simpan apa kita rasa walaupun pada hakikatnya kita nak jerit and luahkan semua.

Disapa 'kawan-kawan'

2011-06-17T21:21:00.005+08:00

Aku ni bukan orang yang berani. Berani in the sense of spiritually. Penakut but buat-buat berani.

Kalau anda jenis tak kuat semangat, sila jangan baca cerita di bawah ini.

Last night aku balik lambat, around 12am. Drive sorang2 lepas hantar Benn balik. Ada satu selekoh jalan besar area rumah Benn, simpang empat lah lebih kurang. Siapa tahu area KTM Batu Tiga? Haa rumah Benn atas sikit. Terus lagi kat area Petronas tu. Masa tu takde kereta. Aku agak sebab dah lewat. Masa belok tu tak nampak kereta but then ada kereta tiba-tiba kat sebelah. Wira, I think. Merah. Maroon. Entah tak sure. Mula-mula ingat kereta tu tadi tak nampak sebab blindspot. Biasalah, aku ni drive asal boleh je. Malam pulak kan. Sleepy gak time tu. Dalam hati terfikir nasib tak berlanggar. Okaylah.

Tiba-tiba berderau darah.

Entah kenapa mata ni sibuk nak jeling kereta sebelah. Time ni tak bawak laju pun, 80 je. Slow lah tu kiranya untuk aku. Masa tu jalan gelap and lampu takde.

Guess what?

Kereta sebelah tu takde driver. Kosong. Takde orang langsung. Masa ni jantung nak tercabut dah. But fikir oh maybe sebab gelap kot aku tak nampak orang. Then lalu petrol station and ada lampu terang kat situ. Aku entah kenapa pergi jeling lagi kereta sebelah.

Sah!

Takde driver!

Masa tu jantung tak payah cakaplah. Dup dap dup dap. Masa tu terus bawak laju gila and potong kereta tu. Lepas potong aku usha belakang. Kereta tu takde. Ghaib.

Jalan tu straight je and takde belok2. Depan sikit baru ada jalan simpang ke kiri. Mana dia pergi? Serious takut gila sampai mengigil satu badan. Baca apa semua tunggang terbalik. Fikir nak cepat sampai rumah je time tu.

Bila depan sikit dah masuk highway. Ya Allah leganya rasa. Boleh tahan banyak jugak kereta. Tangan shaking sampai bawak kereta pun dah tak betul. Orang flash2 sebab bawak kejap kiri kejap kanan. Shaking, mengigil satu badan.

Bila masuk highway, automatic aku akan lalu petronas kubur cina area sect 7 tu. Siapa orang shah alam/klang sure tahu. Masa ni dah calm down a bit, walaupun still mengigil. Dah tak berpeluh sangat.

Ingatkan dah habis.

Rupanya 'dia' ada lagi. Terbang-terbang kat sebelah. Menjerit2 aku dalam kereta. Time ni takut tak payah cakaplah. Takut sangat. Terrified. Time ni nak baca apa pun tak boleh. Time ni dengan menjeritnya, dengan nangisnya. Kau imagine lah aku sorang2 je drive, bawak Wira pulak tu. Dia dengan happynya terbang-terbang kat sebelah. Ya Allah!

Macam orang gila drive laju-laju. Lebih 140 rasanya. Punyalah laju sampai almost langgar divider.

Sampai kat rumah je main parking terus lari masuk rumah. Slipper apa pun dah tak pakai. Mengigil tak payah cakaplah. Seram sejuk satu badan.

Malam tu tak boleh tidur.

And bangun pagi tadi ada satu lebam dekat kaki. Kakak aku tanya kenapa? Aku cakap entah. Dia kata kalau tak sakit tu kerja 'kawan-kawan'. Aku kena bambu sebab balik rumah lewat malam time period.

Aku trauma. Sampai demam. Badan aku bisa-bisa and aku takkan berani dah drive sorang-sorang.

Ni second time kena kacau time driving. First time dulu masa papa dekat SMC. Aku balik kejap sorang-sorang sebab rumah takde sape ingat nak bukak lampu and aku nak amik baju since malam tu aku tidur hospital teman papa. Masa masuk rumah dah berderau but aku buat-buat berani. Baca apa yang patut. Aku pun amik baju and gerak ke hospital.

Masa keluar rumah, aku tunggu gate tutup. Masa nak keluar simpang aku nampak depan rumah neighbour aku ada orang pakai jubah putih. Aku terkejut sampai mati kereta and tak boleh start.

5 minit aku try start kereta. Berderau darah. Aku dok maki hamun dalam hati kenapa neighbour aku ni pakai jubah putih berdiri depan gate.

Then bila boleh start terus aku pecut laju gila sampai SMC. Aku cerita dekat kakak2 aku.

And reaction dorang?

"Are you sure that's even human? Bukan time tu maghrib?"

Gay & Lesbians

2011-06-16T20:32:00.004+08:00

It's easy to judge people who are different from us. Kau rasa dia tu aneh, kau panggil dia freak. Kau rasa dia tu gedik, kau panggil dia bitch.

Easy to put on labels on people kan? Macam letak price tag. But kau sendiri tak suka dilabel. Macamana tu?

Benda aku nak cerita ni bukan untuk aibkan siapa-siapa. It's just based on apa aku dah lihat, apa aku dengar and semua tu aku evaluate. Aku admit, aku dulu skeptical bila dengar word

'GAY AND LESBIANS'

First time aku dengar masa sekolah rendah. Biasalah budak Convent, mesti ada kakak angkat lah adik angkat lah. So masa aku darjah 2 kot kecoh about a 'couple' ni. Gamat jugaklah since my classmate kenal one of 'em. Ya, dorang couple and dilabel lesbians. Masa tu aku kata takpela dorang sayang sama sayang. Sebab I thought macam sayang adik-kakak. Then aku tanya mama, lesbians tu apa. Berubah muka dia. And mama cerita tentang kaum Nabi Luth yang dilaknat Allah sebab suka sesama lelaki and mama cerita lesbians tu suka sesama perempuan.

Masa tu aku baru sedar yang dunia ni tak macam apa aku sangka.

Aku ni ilmu agama masih tak cukup di dada. Masih. Walaupun aku bertudung, namun masih belum cover sepenuhnya. Hati masih belum bersih. Masih berdosa. Masih alpa solat. Masih.

Nak discuss pasal benda ni, memang aku tak cukup ilmu. Cuma aku rasa by being skeptical and judging them, kau takkan mampu ubah mereka-mereka golong G&L ini. Sebab apa?

Kau tu dahlah tak perfect. Lagi nak caci maki dorang and HOPING that dorang boleh berubah with your sarcasm and hadis-hadis. Kau pun masuk club minum2. Kau expect dorang nak dengar cakap kau?

Assalamualaikum bang. Assalamualaikum.

Dalam Islam, ada cara menegur mereka yang berbuat salah, apatah lagi mereka-mereka yang berdosa. Setakat menghentam di alam maya, sesiapa saja boleh buat. Cara kau menegur tu kena betul, niat kena ikhlas. Setahu aku, golongan G & L ni jenis tak cari pasal dengan orang. If you dont mess with them, they dont mess with you.

Nak tegur golongan G & L ni kena ada cara. Mana boleh membabi buta je. Kau ceramah hari2 memanglah mintak maki. Kau tu dengar kuliah subuh dan menggelupur, apatah lagi kau ceramah dorang HARI-HARI. Adoi. Masalah betul lah kau ni.

Yes betul dorang ni dah menyimpang. But that doesnt mean kau tu nafsu berlawanan jantina meaning kau dah betul sangat sampai jadi maksum. Entahlah. Susah nak faham orang2 judgemental macam kau ni. Kau tu mengaibkan orang and expect orang tu kata 'AKU NAK BERUBAH?''

Hell no. Lagi buat dia benci adalah.

Orang2 G & L ni hati dorang keras. Sebab tu they can live macam mana dorang hidup tu. Dorang at one point akan lali dengan apa orang nak cakap, sebab hati dorang keras sekerasnya.

Nak lembutkan hati keras, ada caranya. Kita ni firstly kena bersihkan hati. Kadang2 tak perlu menegur pun. Kita sendiri jadi baik and bersihkan hati, dorang akan nampak. Cara percakapan, cara kita bergaul kadang2 boleh bagi orang sekeliling sedar and benda itu akan effect dorang secara tak sedar. Nak menegur kena ada cara, terpulang kepada kita nak gunakan which one. Islam agama yang mudah. Umat-NYA yang merumitkan.

Of course kita akan doa orang-orang macam ni dapat hidayah and return to the right pathway. Kita cuba jadi contoh untuk dorang. Deep down most of them tak mintak dorang jadi macam tu. Must be ada cerita disebaliknya. Kita sendiri bukan perfect, jadi why judge? Manusia ada jalan cerita masing-masing. Kalau semua plot pun nak kena sama, mana ada variety dah.

Aku harap kau lepas ni nak menghina golongan-golongan ini, you'd think first. Tak semua orang boleh menegur dengan baik. Sebab tak semua orang peduli hati orang lain. Kalau kau rasa setakat nak tegur untuk tunjukkan kau hebat dari orang2 macam ni, better lupakan jelah niat kau.

Kau jangan terkejut if one day dorang buat girlfriend kau jadi isteri sah dorang.

Happy Father's Day, Papa.

2011-06-16T20:27:00.001+08:00

Papa.
You're the best father a girl could ever have.
You taught us how to face this cruel world, how to be strong and chase our dreams.
Having 2 sons and 4 daughters are not easy as it may seem to be.
I know I can be difficult at times, especially after Mama's death.
But you stood by me
Making sure that I wouldn't go astray.
Making sure that despite everything, I wouldn't runaway.

Taking care of you these past few months may seem nothing
As compared to all your sacrifices to me the past 23 years.
Caring for you is easy, Pa
As you're the most easiest person to care
Even with your condition now, you wouldn't want to burden us
For every little thing that I did for you
I'll always get a pat at the back
And a smile saying 'thank you'
How could you thank me for loving you Pa?
:)

Papa.
for all those times I left it unsaid
Thank you.
I know you'll get better soon.
I know you'll stay strong for me, like you always do.
I'm truly sorry for every wrong doings I did, Pa.

Thank you for always being there for me,
For showing me the way,
For being extremely patient with me
Even when I made it difficult for you.

Thank you for believing in me
And encouraging me to dream
And being such an inspiring presence in my life.

For this Father's Day, I have something in my mind that I hope you'll love it.
I know it won't be much but seeing you smile and laugh means the world to me.
I love you, Pa.
I'll always be your little girl forever

♥

Exam. Result. Nanti.

2011-05-28T22:16:00.003+08:00

Officially-nya aku dah cuti. Since semalam lagi. But baru hegeh hegeh nak buat entry. Biasalah, nama pun cuti. Kerja main game je lah kalau tak jadi maid kat rumah.

Haritu aku exam. Final exam untuk short semester ni. And before exam tu aku dah dapat tau result aku for semester 2. Alhamdulilah naik pointer. :) Happy sangat walau tak deanslist.

Aku takde mood sangat nak berblogging ni. Sebab tengah takde feel nak menulis. Aku cuti 2 minggu, sampai 11 june. Then register and masuk sem 3 pulak. Lambatnya nak habis study.

-____-

Nanti aku update elok-elok eh. Panjang2 aku tulis nanti.

Sexy.

2011-05-28T02:33:00.003+08:00

I wanna keep my hair long like this. Weeeeee :)

I think curly hair is sexy.

Fairy Tale.

2011-05-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

How should I feel? Someone please let me know
It seems like I’ve forgotten how the story’s supposed to go
I thought in the end it was happily ever after and so on
But i think something got twisted-it seems like something has gone totally wrong

Because I’m now the fallen princess without a gifted prince
When the witch cast a spell it seems like she did miss
Hit a tree, then the rock and finally it went in the shades
And suddenly I’m falling and the prince has left anyway
Fallen in love with the ugly, evil stepsister that got her way

So where does that leave me- A lonely girl in cinder…
Without a true love..Without any slippers..
Where’s the kiss that’s suppose to wake me up from my misery?
What should i do to set myself free?

Is there any love in this world that can break the bad luck chains?
Or do they only bind you and cause you nothing but pain?
I wish i knew the answers to the questions in my mind
I’m starting to realize I’m running out of time

Whose hand will be my saviour? Is there even one for me?
Or am I my own prisoner? Whose forever are meant to be
chained down and locked in the tallest tower
without any food or key
To know nothing about what’s outside these four walls that are holding me?
Maybe there is no such thing as happy endings
Or perhaps maybe there’s no prince for me
Whose brave enough to fight the dragons that guard me
And save me from these evil fantasy

-Syafrah Ashadi.

31st October 2007

The world

2011-05-27T22:16:00.000+08:00

The world
It seems that we owned it.
It started with a coincidence
We created a new life, a new chapter

In our world
There’s just happiness, comfort and lovingness between us
No matter how far we go
We’ll always remember each other
And feeling confidence to survive in our relationship
Keep believing that nobody is leaving anybody

My world.
Is revolved around yours
Can’t you see that?
It means a lot to me if you actually realized it
Darling dear.
Open up your eyes. Live for the day
And open up ur heart for my world to go in yours.

Janji.

2011-05-18T23:50:00.003+08:00

Rapuh hati saya ini, cuma untuk awak seorang.

Sedih hati saya ini, cuma awak seorang faham.

Hati saya akan jadi hak awak, suatu hari nanti.

Mulut saya berjanji selari dengan hati dan jiwa.

Berjanji dengan awak.

Berjanji untuk awak.

-Syafrah Ashadi, 19meiduapuluhsebelas-

''Saya akan jadikan awak yang halal buat saya, InsyaAllah''

Comel janji awak ni.

Orang kata kita ni beza. Jauh berbeza. Puzzle piece yang tak boleh match together.

Tapi dorang tak tau yang kita ni dah cukup bahagia :)

Ragam. Macam. Terkam.

2011-05-16T19:37:00.002+08:00

Dalam hidup ni, kita akan jumpa pelbagai jenis orang. Macam-macam ragam. Macam-macam perangai. Macam-macam jiwa.

Ada yang baik, baik seikhlas jiwa.

Ada yang baik, tapi bermuka-muka.

Ada yang jahat, memang sejahat-jahat manusia.

Ada yang jahat, tapi sebenarnya jiwa dia ada rasa.

Kompleks kan manusia ni? Ya, benar. Aku ni baru nak menjengah ke alam dua tiga. Tua benar aku rasa. Walau hakikatnya hendak dibandingkan dengan adik beradik aku, aku paling muda. Pengalaman hidup bukan erti hanya pengalaman-pengalaman kau bina, kau rasa. Pengalaman kau dengar, cerita benar orang kau ambil iktibar juga pengalaman hidup. Jangan disempitkan minda dengan satu lorong debu jika minda itu potensinya adalah highway.

Mudah benar menuding jari tanpa bukti kukuh dan tanpa muhasabah diri terlebih dahulu. Memang mudah. Tapi orang itu tidak fikir yang seringkali jika niat kita menegur itu tidak betul, teguran yang diberi itu akan memakan diri. Mungkin bukan sekarang, mungkin 2,3 tahun lagi. Mungkin juga bukan kena batang hidung sendiri. Tapi akan kena, pasti. Mungkin pada family dan orang-orang tersayang. Aku dah banyak dengar kisah-kisah macam ni. Niat tu kena betul. Niat. Nawaitu. Kalau salah, habis punah.

Biarlah orang nak kata apa-apa pun. Biarlah diam kita dianggap pengecut. Biarlah orang nak tambah dosa dia. Asalkan family aku tahu siapa aku, kawan-kawan baik aku tahu siapa aku. Aku diajar untuk buat hal sendiri, tak masuk hal orang lain dan bersuara bila hal peribadi disentuh, dicanang. Lagi-lagi kalau kau sentuh hal parents. Jangan der, jangan.

Lantangnya suara aku mungkin kedengaran kasar. Mungkin tidak manis untuk perempuan seperti aku melaungkan kata-kata itu tapi kalau lawannya itu engkau, maka itu selayaknya. Kerana apabila sesuatu hal itu sudah dikata okay dan ditamatkan kisahnya, kau nak buka semula makanya kau sebenarnya menggali kubur sendiri.

Orang yang kau sangka lembut itu sebenarnya paling keras hati, paling lantang percakapannya kalau maruah dirinya sudah dipijak-pijak. Diam kami selama ini tidak bererti kami tuli, kami bodoh. Tidak juga bererti kami penakut, pengecut seperti yang kau gembar-gemburkan pada semua. Jangan mulakan pergaduhan kalau tidak mahu kami berlawan. Jangan bercakap sarcasm kalau tak tahan mendengar what we have to say. Kalian salah jolok sarang tebuan kerana kami bukannya jenis kiss-ass. Kipas bontot tu benda foreign dalam jiwa kami, der. Asing sangat. Unrecognizable.

Assalamualaikum.

21

2011-05-03T23:18:00.003+08:00

Every single time when I miss him, I'll read this over and over again. :)

Whenever I’m with you,

I feel confident.

I feel sexy.

I feel beautiful.

You bring the best out of me, Benn :)

And with that, I thank youu.

Our small, silly conversations mean more to me than you'll ever know.

Your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard.

21 months and still going strong. InsyaAllah. I love you Benn. I do. :)

Stay. I want you. I love you too much to walkaway now. You are my everything, Benn.

Jujur dari hati.

2011-04-30T23:38:00.004+08:00

Sejujurnya aku tak tahu nak meraban apa kali ni. Nak mulakan cerita dari mana lagi aku buntu. Bukan sebab tiada cerita, tetapi sebab terlampau banyak yang tersusun rapi sampai aku rasa boleh buat novel.

Aku rasa lah.

Okay. Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang.

Lama betul aku senyap. Menenangkan hati dalam dugaan hebat. Amankan diri dalam keadaan serabut. Sucikan jiwa dari rasa-rasa amarah yang membebankan.

29 March 2011 adalah hari paling celaka tahun ini. Hari aku teruji. Hari aku terduduk tersimpuh menangis di tepi. Hari aku hampir-hampir meraung bagai orang gila. Hari keramat aku menangis in public depan Benn. Hari di mana aku, tak berupaya berdiri sendiri. Hari bermulanya mimpi mimpi ngeri tak cukup tidur hingga ke hari ini. Hari di mana dia, kesayangan aku ditimpa celaka.

Sungguhnya sukar. Nak terima keadaan itu pun sudah berat apatah lagi nak memikirkan hal-hal lain berkaitan. Sesak nafas. Jujurnya aku bukan jenis menjaga amanah dari-Nya. Ya, aku masih dalam dilema sejak dulu. Biarkan. Tapi pada hari itu, aku berdoa sungguh-sungguh agar aku tidak kehilangan dia. Aku menangis, merayu mohon agar dipanjangkan usia dia. Aku belum boleh dabik dada mengatakan aku sudah balas semuanya. Kalau nak dihitung betapa berjasanya dia, bisa buatkan aku buntu. Aku lemah. Aku tak boleh ujarkan apa aku rasa sejujur-jujurnya. Sebab aku malu. Apalah sangat balasan aku pada dia? Apa dah aku beri untuk buktikan terima kasih aku selama ini? Apalah nak dikira hormat aku pada dia? Apa lagi mampu dikata kalau diukur tinggi luasnya rasa sayang aku sebesar zarah berbanding rasa cinta jujur dari dia?

Aku kalah.

Menjadi seorang penyabar adalah sukar. Sukar dilakukan dengan ikhlas, sukar dilakukan sehari-hari. Admit it. Kalau kita ada situasi di mana kesabaran kita teruji, berapa lah sangat yang akan kekal sabar dan fikir positif? Sah-sah bukan aku.

Penat. Memang. Terlalu sebenarnya. Tiada masa untuk jadi selfish. Semua untuk dia. Waktu terluang walau 5 minit memang kepunyaan dia. Bangun tidur memang hanya dia di dalam hati, dalam jiwa. Dia keutamaan sekarang.

Menjaga dia memang menguji kesabaran aku yang tipis ini. Tapi alhamdulilah, aku dapat kekuatan untuk bersabar dengan kerenah dia. Apalah sangat layanan aku yang kecil ni berbanding jasa dia pada aku?

Terima kasih Allah kerna kekuatan ini. Terima kasih.

I absolutely love you. There won't be a day of you regretting having me in your life. You're the reason for me to stay strong. I promise that I will take extremely good care of you. And I'm hoping that you'll get better soon and stronger than ever. You're my biggest hero. You taught me to be strong, to be independent and stay true to myself. Every time I messes things up, you'd just smile and hug me and say sweet things to calm me down. I wont ever be ashamed to be hanging out with you. In fact I'm super proud of you.

I love you. I'll always be your little girl.

Goyah

2011-04-08T01:58:00.003+08:00

Rasa terkilan. Sebab sedih. Sebab pilu.

Bila jadi macam ni, semua benda jadi celaru. Semua benda rasa nak marah. Semua benda rasa macam useless.

Sumpah aku rasa nak give up kejar ilmu.

Aku rasa nak nangis. Eh wait. Memang dah rabak mata nangis. Dejavu. 6 tahun lalu. Ya Allah aku tak mahu benda sama jadi.

Aku rasa useless. Sebab dulu aku begini jugak. Lari lari ke kelas, lari lari pulang.

Dan akhirnya kena redha kehilangan dia yang kandungkan aku 9 bulan dan tahan kerenah aku selama 18tahun.

Sungguh kekuatan aku sekarang goyah segoyahnya.

Banyak benda perlu difikirkan. Banyak benda perlu dikorbankan. Yang pentingnya sekarang, aku kena kuat.

Ya Allah, please make me stronger.

Amin.

Mustard

2011-03-27T16:10:00.004+08:00

Found my mustard pants. The zipper is broken. :'( Baru je ingat nak pull off this outfit. I have similar top and pants.

Nak fix macamana zipper ni? *frust menonggeng*

p/s : Aku ada seluar mustard ni since I was standard 5 which is like 12 years ago. Hands-me-down from my sisters jadi tak fair lah kalau kau cakap aku tak ikut trend. Hahahaha. :D

Feel it in the air.

2011-03-27T01:25:00.004+08:00

Okay. I shouldn't be so emotional. (refering to the entry before this).

Padahal my weekend so fun kot. Tak paham. Bila depan laptop je terus hah segala benda tak terluah kat blog (tapi terluah kat twitter) dimuntahkan sekali hadap. Ampun.

Last weekend kan cuti. Well actually cuti seminggu since 28hb March dah start new semester.

So spontaneously I went to Malacca, to visit my best buddy Nadia Emilia. Ye, dialah abang

kachak saya, madu kepada Benn.

Pergi sabtu then ahad tu dah balik. Hahaha. Kejap je, I know. Nak stay lama-lama but biasalah.

Nad jemput kat Melaka Sentral and picked Kin, her bf Ajib and his friend Tan. Headed to Jusco and makan kat Lerk Thai. Super expensive but the food memang sedap.

Malam tu lepak Jonker. Main bumper car kat fun fair. Balik rumah borak sampai pukul 3 pagi.

16 years and counting. Love u buddy. :)

FRIDAY : 25TH March 2011

Abang kachak ajak lepak pakli 7 . So yeah, mestilah ikut. She fetched me and meet Iqa who arrived first. Iqa sweet sangat buatkan cupcake for all of us. Thanks Iqa! It was so yummy! :)

Later on Feesha and As sampai. We had so much fun laughing sampai lenguh mulut, pipi semua. Boleh? Hahaha :)

Highschool buddies. :)

SATURDAY : 26TH March 2011

My dear Kakak tweeted about going to OBB preloved party and Bijou Bazaar at Solaris. I wanted to follow and she fetched me, not knowing where my house is. Kesian Kakak sesat. But alhamdulilah finally dapat jugak jumpa and then we're off to Section 13.

*All pictures are taken from Kakak's blog

I wore simple white dress + red shawl + grey cardigan and my fav shoes with green laces. Lost the yellow ones. :(

The store memang sesak. Ramai betul orang. First time pergi. Kakak belanja cookies and seriously, cookies jual situ sedap! Tak manis sangat, just nice. :)

Then we're off to Damansara to fetch Kakak's boyfie, Abang Mie. Lunch dekat Nasi Ayam Hailam. Sedap nasi ayam dia! Boleh makan lagi lepas ni. Weee :) Oh. First time jumpa Abg Mie. Kekok gila. Tak tahu nak cakap apa. Dua dua segan lepas tu dalam kereta otw ke Nasi Ayam Hailam tu Kakak je dok cakap sorang. Hehe. Sorry Kakak! :)

Bijou Bazaar, Solaris.

Jeles tengok Kakak punya camera, got fish-eye lense. Waaah. Hahaa. Semua gambar comel je. :)

Thank youu sebab bawak Syaf sekali. Thanks for everything Kakak :)

Bijou Bazaar fun. Sebab of course luas and cheap! Siapa tak pergi lagi sila pergi sekarang.

Oh lupa. Ada jumpa BabyJaneJuliet kat booth dia, Bambi. Dia senyum and datang borak. She's friendly :) Budak kolej yang tak pernah borak sampai lah jumpa kat booth semalam. Hehe.

So far my weekend had been super fun. I love you guys! :)

Trust

2011-03-27T00:25:00.002+08:00

Vulnerable.

Kenapa vulnerable? Because I have the softest heart, the most naive-ever-forgiving-heart ever. Susah lah nak explain kenapa. Tapi aku memang macam ni. Hati mudah breakable, mudah remuk, mudah nak maafkan orang. Aku marah macam mana sekalipun, aku akan tetap maafkan orang tu berkali-kali WALAUPUN orang tu buat kesalahan yang sama.

Stupid, memang. I know.

Jiwa lembik. Kena marah berderai air mata. Aku ni acah-acah je garang. Tak pun sebenarnya. So bila orang marah aku tak reti marah balik melainkan mengamuk words di blog or twitter. Sebab? Aku tak sampai hati nak marah balik. If aku kena marah, I know apa rasanya kena marah/gaduh. And I hate that. So aku tak suka orang lain rasa apa aku rasa bila kena marah walaupun memang dia patut kena. Get it so far?

Sigh.

So I need to be tough on the inside as the outside. Aku kena kuatkan jiwa dan hati untuk cakap NO when I should. Kan? Kenapalah aku ni kena jadi people pleaser by choice? Kenapa aku tak pilih untuk jadi selfish ke, jadi pemarah ke, jadi budak emo 24jam ke. Kenapa PEOPLE PLEASER?

Stupid Syafrah, Stupid.

Stupid sangat tak belajar from mistakes and trust people macam gitu je *petik jari*

Bila orang nak kenakan aku, aku telan je walaupun aku tau orang tu memang patut dihumban masuk longkang je. Kenapa? Aku tak tahu, seriously.

Boleh ajar hati aku keras sikit? Boleh?

Masalahnya, aku ni tak makan saman. Bila orang tu dah buat salah memang aku marah gila2. Bila dia cakap sorry je aku cair. Babi la ada hati lembik macam ni :'(

Benn dah tak larat nak marah aku sebab aku bagi orang pijak aku, willingly. Aku rasa aku satu-satunya species yang sanggup susahkan diri demi orang lain. Sanggup siapkan kerja orang demi team. Sanggup berjaga malam tak cukup tidur demi dorang. Sanggup tolong itu tolong ini sebab tak sanggup tengok orang tu susah.

Aku masa habis solat je doa bagi ALLAH kuatkan hati aku ni, jangan bagi aku kena pijak2 lagi. Sebab penat weh people pleaser ni. Aku bukan suka-suka, memang aku macam tu. Macam jugak orang selfish. Jenis memang macam tu. Sigh.

Aku end up pilih untuk jauhkan diri dari orang. Untuk elakkan aku digunakan for their own happiness. Jadi, tolong respect. Ini hak aku. Kau nak kata aku sombong, up to you lah. Aku dah penat. 23 tahun aku hidup asyik nak please kan orang je. Sumpah aku dah tak larat.

Aku rasa aku ada hak untuk pilih jalan ni, jalan menyombong kan diri. Sebab aku tak larat weh. Tak larat digunakan. Sebab aku sesungguhnya tak reti cakap No. Benda ni lah orang tu gunakan untuk buat aku rasa guilty dan perang psychology dengan aku.

Bagi aku, trust tu benda sacred gila. Aku memang senang trust dengan orang, aku senang nak share cerita aku dengan orang. Aku suka dengar cerita orang, sebab aku suka nak fahamkan hidup dia macam mana. Sebab tu aku senang nak trust orang. Tapi certain people suka amik kesempatan. Dia amik 'trust' aku tu and campak tepi masuk loji najis macam trust tu takde makna je buat dia. Sedih. Sangat sedih. Kenapalah aku stupid enough to trust you kan?

I would prefer to be called as Budak Sombong rather than People Pleaser.

Stop trying to break me emotionally and physically.

test test

2011-03-19T13:59:00.001+08:00

Testing one two three.
Currently on my way to Malacca to visit my bestie cik tot a.k.a Nadd. :D
Very spontaneous thing to do I must say.
Testing updating blog via BB :)

Video

2011-03-08T21:01:00.003+08:00

It proves. Hard work does pay off.

Madam cakap one of the best wehhh! Siap upload dekat her fb! *senyum sampai ke telinga*

Okay. Off to study.

Vids? Click here. I dont care what you think as long as Madam thinks it's one of the best. Ngeee.

Oh btw, the video is for our group assignment for Marketing. We had to do a video about MSU.

I'm super proud weh! :)

2011-02-27T16:36:00.000+08:00

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

Tudung Akhir Zaman

2011-02-16T23:34:00.004+08:00

1. Tudung ‘Mickey Mouse’ -

Pemakaian tudung yang hanya menutup bahagian rambut dan kepala tanpa menutup kedua-dua telinga. Barangkali untuk menunjukkan subang atau apa-apa perhiasan. Pemakaian yang lebih teruk ialah apabila tudung tersebut dililit sehingga menampakkan leher.

2. Tudung Lilit -

Jenis tudung ini jika dilihat telah menutup keseluruhan kepala termasuk telinga tetapi tidak dilabuhkan menutup dada dan hanya dililitkan di leher sahaja. Kriteria menutup dada tidak dipenuhi seolah-olah ingin menayangkan kurniaan yang tidak diberikan kepada kaum lelaki.

3. Tudung ‘See Through’ -

Salah satu jenis tudung yang popular ini banyak dilihat di merata tempat, kain tudung yang nipis menampakkan leher dan telinga walaupun telah menutup lengkap.

Lebih teruk jika tidak memakai anak tudung kerana ianya seperti tiada beza dengan mereka yang tidak bertudung.

4. Tudung Jambul -

Pemakaian jenis ini banyak dipromosikan dalam drama-drama Melayu yakni menutup separuh rambut di bahagian belakang dengan membiarkan yang depannya tersembul keluar seperti jambul unta.

5. Tudung ‘Singlet’ -

Tudung yang sempurna tetapi dengan hanya memakai lengan pendek menyebabkan aurat dan lain-lain perhiasan yang sepatutnya ditutup daripada menjadi tatapan umum. Tiada kelongaran hukum tentang

penutupan aurat di kawasan awam hatta hanya untuk bersukan.

6. Tudung Saji -

Sekejap pakai, sekejap tidak. Tudung atau lebih tepat dikatakan selendang yang hanya menjadi perhiasan leher. Boleh dilihat di kenduri-kenduri kematian yang mana selendang tersebut akan turun dan naik diangkat si pemakai seolah-olah menjadikannya seperti tudung

mengikut keperluan situasi.

I'm determined to change the way I wear my hijab. As I tend to forget the real reason I'm wearing one, which is to obey Allah's command for all Muslim's women out there.

Wear it for the sake of Allah SWT

Wear it for the hope of Jannah

Wear it today and trust in Allah SWT for tomorrow

Wear it and spite the shaytan

I dont wanna wear hijab to be fashionable. And exposing my body, my neck, and everything that is not supposedly exposed. I wanna wear hijab the right way and I'm doing it slowly.

Guide me to the right path Ya Allah.

Manual. Driving.

2011-02-09T18:30:00.008+08:00

I may not be the best person to talk about driving as I'm new at it but heck, here goes.

I'm still under probation. Up till April next year. And so far I've been in 0 accidents, alhamdulilah but witness 5 gruesome ones along the highway, no speeding tickets (none that I know off), and 1 death threat. Interesting much? Naaah.

Got the hands-me-down car from my dad recently. A Proton Wira, which I refer to as my JD. Sedih lah mula mula sebab tak biasa bawak Wira yang besar as compared to Kancil kan but I tried my best. And almost every single day berebut JD with my brother. Why? He loves JD, and lampu Bumblebee dia not working properly. Tapi dia suka bedal minyak and tak isi balik, that's why we argue about JD most of the time. But being the little sister, I would be the one who'd give in. Benci okay macam ni. Eeee. Stress dapat abang macam ni. Nak ngedate tapi pau minyak kereta adik. Stress.

Most of my friends terkejut knowing that I'm driving a manual car. Kenapa? Perempuan memang layak bawak auto je ke? My family semua bawak manual. So bila mula mula orang question 'eh kau bawak manual?' like it's such a big deal aku rasa pelik. Baru sedar kata tak semua reti bawak manual. Most girls prefer auto cars. And aku takde lah nak keji ke apa. Kau nak bawak auto, no hal. Cuma tak suka orang pertikaikan kenapa aku bawak manual. Like suka hati aku lah kan.

I tried to drive an auto car once, but kekok. Tangan tu gagau cari gear lepas tu kaki cari clutch. *facepalm*

epic fail.

Tak suka. Tak biasa. Rela bawak manual eventho aku tak suka drive sangat. Sebab senang nak agak speed and entah, for me lagi convenient dari bawak auto.

Paling benci bila adalah sorang manusia ni, mulut memang takde insurans cakap aku bawak kereta slow lah ape lah. Kau tu bawak motor memang lah laju sebab boleh cilok2. Redlight pun kau bedal jalan. The best part is dia tu takde lesen pun. Gebang macam dah bawak kereta 10 tahun.

Jangan lah menguji kesabaran aku tengah PMS ni ye.

Hari hari drive Klang-Shah Alam penat sebenarnya. Bagi orang yang tak suka drive. Aku tak suka. Sebab suka tidur dalam kereta. So bila kena drive ni, haih lecehnya. Dahlah Klang ni banyak kereta and nak parking kat MSU kena bayar. Parking kat Tesco pulak penuh je. Stress. Kadang fikir suruh ayah je drive hantar and jemput tapi kesian tengok ayah. So nak tak nak kenalah drive.

Bila driving sorang sorang benda paling best is to sing loudly all those songs you love. Tak kira lah Bieber Baby ke or Gaga Bad Romance ke asal tahu lirik nyanyi je kuat kuat. If tak tahu lirik pun nyanyi jugak. Bantai je. Bila kat traffic light semua pelik tengok kenapa minah ni semangat sangat. Nyanyi sungguh sungguh macam nak masuk American Idol je.

Tips untuk drive kereta manual:

Panaskan enjin
Betulkan seat. MAKE SURE cermin tu memang korang nampak clear bukan eh senget ke apa and WAJIB check everything.
Check air, check semua. If tak reti kena retikan sebab that car is YOUR responsibility. Mati tengah jalan kang ha susah. If awak tu perempuan tak ke bahaya? If lelaki pun boleh kena samun, apetah lagi perempuan.
Baca doa naik kenderaan, baca bismillah. Sebab? Nak perjalanan itu diberkati Allah. InsyaAllah smooth driving nanti.
Bawak kereta tu elok elok. If takut mati, tekan je clutch. INGAT. if takut kereta mati just tekan clutch. confirm tak mati.
Kena pandai balancekan clutch dengan minyak. If lepas clutch, minyak kena lebih if tak kereta tak jalan.
If takut, baca bismillah banyak banyak. Yelah if panik mana nak ingat baca apa. Baca je bismillah insyaAllah semua okay.
Bawak kereta slow slow. TAPI janganlah slow sangat sampai kat highway pun bawak 20km/j. Bawaklah 80. slow slow as in beringat, orang lain pun drive jugak. awak jangan drive gangster2.
kena pandai agak kereta belakang jauh ke tak. if nak belok, bagi signal awal awal. jangan dah belok baru bagi. itu namanya mintak kena langgar.
jangan break lambat. If tengok kereta depan dah break, slowly reduce your speed and tukar gear and break slowly. Break mengejut boleh menyebabkan accident and break cepat rosak.
if nak sampai traffic light and it's red, tukar gear kepada neutral and slowly reduce your speed. this way akan menyelamatkan korang dari break terkejut ke ape and it's proven.
if it's raining, and masih siang, sila pakai sunglasses anda. it'll help to improve your vision masa hujan tu. Try it. :)
If it's raining, jangan bawak kereta di lane paling tepi. sebab air berkumpul kat situ. nanti boleh hilang control. sebab tu banyak accident time hujan. it's better for you to drive di lane tengah tengah, and bawak super slow masa ni. JANGAN LUPA BUKAK LAMPU.
Bila kat roundabout (shah alam BANYAK GILA ROUNDABOUT) sila slow down awal-awal, bagi signal and jalan bila clear. kau jangan lah gopoh sampai langgar kereta depan. ingat! if takut baca bismillah.
Kunci kereta all the time. purse jangan letak kat passenger seat sebab nanti kena pecah cermin masa kat traffic light. sembunyi bawah seat while driving. tahu?
if ditakdirkan memang accident or kena langgar, jangan panik. dah jadi nak buat macam mana kan. berhenti tepi (if possible), jangan bukak tingkap if you're alone and cakap kat orang tu awak nak call for help. call your parents or anyone yang boleh datang secepat mungkin. if ada kawan kawan, better tapi still kena extra careful. make sure if orang tu ajak g somewhere nak settle ke jangan ikut. if nak settle settle kat situ je sebab ada kes orang ajak g somewhere like his office ke apa then kena rompak. so korang kena be careful.

Well actually taklah tips manual sangat. Tapi tips driving. Semua tips ni basic tapi ada yang lupa. Tak susah bawak manual, as long as you're confident. Macam aku ni memang tak confident pun tapi buat buat confident so that kereta lain percaya yang aku ni confident.

Yelah, being perempuan with a P sticker memang semua stereotype. Sebab tu kena buat buat confident walaupun tak confident.

Driving manual memang menakutkan. At first. Tapi kena beranikan diri. Jangan takut drive manual. If dah pandai auto tu campak tepi je. :D

Ye aku tau aku lambat dapat lesen. Kau diam.

February

2011-02-03T11:24:00.003+08:00

Semalam dah borak borak dengan Nik sebab internet connection dekat Egypt dah okay. Ha tu dia panjang berjela dua dua bebel. Most importantly aku lega dorang semua okay. According to Nik, kawasan dia bukan di bandar sangat and tak terjejas as compared to Cairo jadi lambat la pindah sebab dorang akan pindahkan students/pekerja/orang2 malaysia yang di kawasan 'red alert' dulu baru yang lain. and satu hari just 3500 orang je. total yang ada 11ribu. ramai gila malaysian kat sana as compared to Turkey yang ada seribu lebih je. It's okay Nik. Asalkan kau dengan yang lain selamat.

I should start cleaning my room. Dah macam hape je ni. -______- And boleh update kat JBS. Baju banyak nak kena let go sebab

1: dah tak muat -___- ye saya dah tak muat. sedih gila dah la baju favourite tak muat pulak. okay moving on

2. baju tu beli tak pernah pakai -____- ye saya memang gitu. beli pastu simpan peruk tak pakai pakai. sebab impulse buying. okay moving on

3. sebab wardrobe dah penuh. asyik sepah je. i wanna clear my wardrobe.

Jadi itulah munculnya JBS. Which im gonna focus on preloved items.

P/S : Siapa layan buku Archies memang comel. :)

Random oh

2011-02-02T10:34:00.002+08:00

Aku ni memang lah cepat sangat gelabah, panik semua. But bila drive dan sesat, takdelah nangis nangis macam orang tu. (sila terasa skang!) bahaha. Jadi just lemme be, for who I am tu tak boleh berubah sebab aku cepat gelabah on certain things, bukan semua. Macam skang, assignment last week baru siapkan sejam lepas yang nak kena hantar jap lagi. Tapi aku relax je. Sebab? Entah. Memang gitu. Tapi when it comes to my besties in trouble, memang aku gelabah. For those yang tak kenal, mulut tu tak payah mengeji lah if tak kenal aku. :)

gambar random sebab aku rindu Boo. semalam dia merajuk sebab aku tak sengaja terkejutkan dia yang tengah elok sedap je tidur atas katil aku. dia terkejut sampai jatuh katil terus lari keluar bilik.

-____-

Kucing aku tu memang mengada. Jantan emo. Parah betul merajuk sampai skang. Dia bebai takmau makan. Eeeee over okay ada kucing macam ni.

Egypt

2011-01-31T12:40:00.005+08:00

Masa mula mula masuk PTPL, he was my first friend. Kenal masa orientasi and then terus clicked. Nik Hazzaymey became one of the best friends i ever had. I know deep down he is safe, like all the other Malaysian students there. Tapi sampai bila nak terperuk duduk berkurung macam tu when Malaysian Government patutnya bawak dorang semua balik Malaysia or tumpangkan kat negara sebelah such as Jordan. He ym-ed me on Friday morning at 4 am but I was fast asleep masa tu. He told me that the anti Housni Mubarak tengah mengamuk and they're protesting. He voiced out his concerned and that from his message I know that he's worried about his safety and all of them there.

I thought at first it was just a small protest, like the ones in Malaysia. You know, protest BN la DAP la then bakar bendera and such and in few hours dah setel. But to my horror it wasn't like that at all.

Egypt sekarang memang tengah chaos and huru hara. They told that the egyptians are attacking Malaysian students sebab dorang je yang ada. Student-student from negara lain dah lama balik. Dorang nak gulingkan their president which is Housni Mubarak yang dah 30 years berkuasa. Under his management, they are considered as poor jika dicomparekan dengan negara jiran and takde kebebasan politik. So dorang nak gulingkan Housni Mubarak. They were inspired by Tunisia yang berjaya buatkan their leader fled to Saudi Arabia. And so egyptians want the same for Housni Mubarak. As for now, internet connection was cut off and recently electricity was cut off as well. Soon dorang nak cut off water supply. Students mostly tak boleh balik due to gunshots everywhere, atm tak boleh cucuk duit sebab bank kena bakar and jalan semua tutup, ada curfew pukul 2pm-8am. Airport dah kena control by them yang anti Housni jadi susah nak ada flight keluar.

Housni Mubarak taknak turun 'takhta' and still nak berkuasa and so February 2nd, dorang nak lancarkan Civil War.

2011 Egyptian Protest.

Nik, be safe buddy. :'(

Awak.

2011-01-24T23:04:00.010+08:00

Cinta itu subjektif. Orang kata. Kenapa bukan objektif itu tak pernah pula orang tanya. Bagi aku kalau cinta itu penuh tipu, memang bullshit. Cinta harta tu lagi bullshit, walaupun kadang tak boleh elak. Cinta aku ni agak unik dan pelik. Dia datang masa aku dah tak expect apa apa dari jantina berlainan. Aku dah tak rasa apa apa. Rasa kosong. Rasa biasa saja. Dia datang bawa hati retak, minta disembuhkan. Aku hati yang sudah tawar, sudi terima.

Mana bisa lelaki lain tahan aku. Moodswing aku antara yang paling extreme. Memberontak itu satu hal lain. Aku suka simpan apa aku rasa walaupun aku borak dengan semua orang. Tak semua faham apa aku simpan dan cuma dia berjaya buat aku keluar dari rasa itu. Dia yang buat aku rasa selamat, rasa bahagia, rasa geram pada masa yang sama. Dia buat aku rasa tenang bila aku tengah ada anxiety attack dan paling penting, dia tahu cara buat aku senyum everytime aku nangis. Walau bukan depan dia. Walau aku tipu kata aku tak nangis.

Untuk Awak. Yang saya selalu ugut campak dalam lombong.

Saya belum boleh beri kepastian suatu hari nanti saya yang awak pandang bila bangun tidur setiap pagi. Saya tak berani janji sebab saya tak tahu awak dimana kelak, saya dimana. Awak fahamkan? Cuma mengharap itu ada. Ya, mengharap. Mengharap cinta awak itu ikhlas, dan jika itu satu benda elok ianya kekal.

Awak tak sedar saya tenung awak masa kita makan kat McD tadi. Lama dah tak lepak kan? Sebulan bak kata awak. Saya dah lupa sebab saya tak nak ingat nanti sedih.Saya nangis masa drive balik tadi. Ya, dalam gelap macam tu and hujan lagi saya menangis sorang sorang dalam kereta. Nangis sebab saya tak boleh buat apa apa. Nangis sebab tengok awak terlalu penat. Sebab awak pendam semua. Sebab awak pendam sorang sorang walaupun awak tahu, saya ada disini. Selalu ada. Selalu. Tapi awak degil. Awak biarkan semua tu telan awak, biarkan awak jiwa kosong. Mana pergi kuatnya awak?

Saya jadi emosi bila tengok awak penat tapi buat buat ceria tadi. Awak ingat saya tak kenal awak ke? Awak, berapa kali saya nak pesan saya ada untuk awak. Tahu? Sabarnya awak dengan saya, cuma Tuhan je yang tahu. Awak layan kerenah saya, walaupun awak tak suka. Sayangnya awak dengan saya kan? Saya mintak maaf kalau saya selalu marah awak bila saya moody, bila saya PMS dan bila saya lapar. Awak, janjilah dengan saya yang awak tak pendam lagi semua benda tu sorang sorang. Awak tak tau benda ni macam dejavu. :'(

I want to be the one that gives you the strength when everything falls apart. But you know that I am not strong like you. I can't be dealing with everything without your support. And that is why I have been so emotional lately, for the past month. It's hard for me to see your mom in pain, it's making me missing my mom even more. She's a nice lady, take care of her. I didn't get the chance to care for my mom properly when she was sick and that is why I was so emotional when I heard bout your mom. :'( Masa your Mama datang tadi, I know that she's not well. Jangan tutup pintu tu. You know I've gone thru worse than that. 5 horrifying years with chemo and such and jadi please understand why I was so emotional. Awak faham saya, kan?

I love you Amir Rasyid.

You're everything to me. Despite all the arguments, all the fights, we have each other. You have no idea how much I have changed to be a better person, thanks to you. Benn, I love you. This entry was originally to be about your 22nd birthday that we celebrated at Ikea the day before your birthday, being lost and arguing all the way to Ikea and shut up once food was served. Tapi somehow menyimpang. Benn, awak ni tahu ke tak saya sayang awak ni despite everything? :)

Being in love with you is the most effortless thing I have ever done in my entire life.

Driving and Cursing

2011-01-24T21:07:00.004+08:00

I have to admit one thing, I hate driving. Always hated it. I don't deal well with stress. So jyeah, I truly hate driving and only will drive IF ;

1: There's a car available (Which is my wira -cehcehsebutMYwira or if my sister's car ada)

2: There's no one to send me to wherever I wanna go (College or run errands)

Pemalas. I know. So opposite with Benn. He LOVES to drive.

So yeah, after years of pushing and nagging I finally have a license. Phew. Almost a year now but I barely drive. Like serious, barely. Boleh kira okay.

Pemalas. I know.

And yes, I can drive manual cars. Jyeah! High 5 y'all!

*lompat tinggi-tinggi*

Benn selalu cakap that I'm so baik hati on the road. My jalan pun bagi orang jalan. I say sorry if people menyucuk2 although they won't hear it. Annoying, I know. But I can't help it. So yeah when I got a death threat while driving, it's like annoying.

Case 1:

Two motorcyclist was talking on the road like nobody's business. C'mon lah. Tengah turun bukit kot. It's NOT your road. So i honk as they were riding so damn slow like 20km/h and it's fucking annoying. Behind me was a 4wd that's honking me as I was driving slow due to those 'brilliant' motorcyclist. One of them was really pissed off. He was shouting words, assuming curse words as I can't hear him and I drove past him. And stopped as the light turned red. Of course, he saw that as opportunity. He stopped next to me, shouting more words. I ignored him, of course as I was too tired and that pisses him off more. He was pounding on the car and doing a ''I'll kill you'' sign and being me, I held my handphone up and wanted to snap his picture. His friend was startled and terus pecut lari.

Just because I'm a lady and ada sticker P so you think that you can threaten me?

Fat chance bozos.

Bawak motor elok elok ye bang. Jangan nanti ada kereta lanyak awak and you got yourself a big picture in the front page on Kosmo.

p.s : Jangan jadi egois atas jalanraya reti?

p.p.s : This adds to those endless reasons why I hate driving.

2011-01-18T00:02:00.002+08:00

Senyum lebar lebar. Dalam hati siapa tahu.

Kan?

2011-01-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

episod sambungan Gantung tak bertali ;

Tali gantung sudah putus. Sudah pakai gam. Rabu official. Woot!

Gantung tak bertali

2011-01-05T20:29:00.003+08:00

Blog ni memang tempat luahkan perasaan. Jadi baca, telan dan terima.

Walau ianya menyakitkan.

Aku wish benda ini tak jadi kat aku. Eventho pedih and without a reason why, aku telan dan terima. Redha tu belum sampai seru. Dua kali jadi. Benda lain tapi lebih kurang sama. Ah. You get the drift.

Bila jadi macam ni pedih sangat. Rasa macam effort tu terbang keluar. Aku bersusah payah, keluar peluh bagai dan akhirnya pulangan hampa. Macam gantung tak bertali. Terima tidak, tak terima pun bukan. Jadi aku apa?

Macam rasa nak bunuh jiwa bagi tak payah peduli. But cerita hadapan aku kena coretkan, bukan dia atau mereka. Jadi kenapa nak bagi kuasa sewenang-wenangnya?

Hampa.

Aku rasa ada hikmah. Tapi bila hikmah itu nak muncul ya semua memang tak boleh jawab. Mungkin dalam mimpi atau tidak langsung tercapai akal kau nak fikir. Marah. Ya memang marah. Kecewa sebab bagi semua sekali dapat tahu jadi begini.

Kau rasa apa bila kau give your best shot and berusaha sungguh sungguh tak dapat jawapan? Bukan ditolak masalahnya. If ditolak aku masih boleh telan umpama hempedu dan move on kepada usaha seterusnya. Ini tak diterima mahupun ditolak.

Tengah tengah kawasan yang tidak wujud.

Katanya mahu disalahkan aku tidak usaha. Jangan dicabar emosi aku saat ini. Aku bertungkus lumus sampai hampir patah jiwa kau kata tak usaha. Tuduhan tak berasas. Aku mahukan itu jadi aku usaha lah woi! Usaha mati matian kau tahu?

Kenapa di sudut hati aku mengatakan aku diboikot?

Visitors

2010-12-28T22:17:00.004+08:00

Okay. This is the first time I have visitors from various countries. :) If it's from Egypt I know it's Nik. The rest are looking for Diana Lomo Camera. :)

And this is just simply absurd.

mencarut sebabkan putus urat?

der,

sains dulu dapat berapa?

Bowling

2010-12-27T16:16:00.007+08:00

Lama betul tak update blog ni. Banyak benda jadi. But it's okay. This time nak cerita banyak banyak so sit down, grab a drink and relax. I'm starting my bebelan. :)

My siblings and I ni salu je borak kat Facebook sebab jarang jumpa. So bila ada masa and semua free, kitorang meet up untuk breakfast, lepak lepak mamak. And recent activity was Bowling Day with the sibs. (Not so recent, either hujung Nov or awal Dec)

Semua meet up at Tony Roma's dekat E@Curve. Masa ni memang lapar but kena lah bergambar dulu since my sis ada 'gadget' baru. Ehem :)

My BIL and my look-alike sis. Rasyad takmau tengok camera. Sheesh.

Tukang belanja and tuan empunya camera. Thank youu Azul sbb belanja makan! :D

We've just arrived. Posing dulu then baru order. Perangai

Nak tau what I love to eat whenever makan kat TR? (When BIL's belanja makan of course, harap sendiri beli memang lepas tu makan maggi 4 bulan jawabnya)

Yeahh. Ribs!

Yummmy!

Bila dah kenyang and puas hati, off we go for a ''small tournament'' among us at the Bowling Alley. Berebut bola bowling la, bising nak air la, eh takde stokin la, berebut kerusi and much more. Kitorang paling bising kat situ. Tsk.

''Pro Bowler's'' in action. My nine year old niece plays better than me T_T

US.

L2R : 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 3rd. and niece.

Ni gaya orang frust sebab baling bola masuk longkang. I feel you Adik. I feel you.

This is our scoreboard keeper.

''Mama, I'm tired''

Kecoh kecoh sebab other team tengah leading. We all tak puas hati.

Told ya we look alike

2010-12-26T21:36:00.003+08:00

Im supposed to update my blog about my birthday celebrations tapi aku bukan macam orang lain yang normal, aku cepat depressed. Ah well. Semua orang yang tak normal macam tu kan? Dan aku tak suka bila aku depressed orang suruh aku get a grip. Hey, aku tak pernah usik hidup kau kan? Biarkan aku sorang sorang duduk diam dalam bilik rather than let all my anger out on innocent people. I know myself. Bila aku marah aku senang cakap anything terlintas kat mulut. Kemudian aku orang first yang cakap sorry.

Jiwa lembik, bak kata dia.

Telan je lah kena caci macam tu.

Kau tak sedar kan how much you've hurt me?

Maaf. Pandangan kelabu. Bergenang.

I'm in this state because of you. The one I lean on, every single time my world falls apart.

Sisa

2010-12-26T21:31:00.002+08:00

Apa makna rasa itu padamu

Apa maksudmu segalanya ada pada diriku

Apa ceritaku tiada satu kau teramat perlu

Apa yang kau lihat itu seadanya aku

Benar satu itu ada padanya

Benarkah kau terfikir itu tiada padaku

Benarkan aku buktikannya itu pada dirimu

Benarkan dirimu fikir kemungkinan itu.. ooo

Mungkin kaukan terseksa jika bersamaku

Mungkin jua kau kan sesalinya seumur hidupmu

Mungkin jua suratannya begitu

Mungkin aku bukan yang kau kenali dulu

Benar segalanya ada padaku

Pernahkah kau terfikir itu tiada padamu

Benarkan aku buktikannya itu pada dirimu

Benarkan dirimu fikir kemungkinan itu.. ooo

Mungkin kau kan terseksa jika bersamaku

Mungkin jua kau kan sesalinya seumur hidupmu

Mungkin jua suratannya begitu

Mungkin aku bukan yang kau kenali dulu

Mungkin ku yang terseksa jika bersamamu

Munkin jua ku kan sesalinya seumur hidupku

Mungkin jua suratannya begitu

Mungkin kamu bukan yang ku kenali dulu

2010-12-26T20:06:00.001+08:00

Blood roses.

You said to me.
You love me/want me/care for me.
But you freaking lied.
All you care about is.
Point your 'gun' to me and 'shoot'.
I am the country you conquered.
You undressed me.
Marked me. Here and there.
Mapping your territory.
You grabbed. Groped.
Pushed. Licked. More pushing.
You are the authority.
I am the subjection.
You said to me.
This is love. Not lust.
But why am I constantly finding ways
to escape from your ruling?
Your dictatorship is bruising me.
Every morning.
I wake up with blood roses blooming
beneath my skin.
Indicating where you have sinned.
These blood roses.
On my thighs.
Up here. Down there.
One day.
These blood roses will save me.
These blood roses with
wild thorns of my desire to escape this
will hurt you real bad.
Because the next time you touch me.
You will bleed.
And when you do.
I will be a free country.
There will be no more bruises.
Maybe tomorrow.
You'll be nothing more but a damned King.

"This is a piece inspired by a friend who recently suffered from domestic abuse. And something to do with real life. Women are meant to be taken care of and respected.

Sisters, fear not"

BY AMIRAH ASRAF

got it from here

2010-12-07T22:34:00.001+08:00

blog akan diupdate seperti biasa esok.

kot.

monoloque

2010-11-27T07:59:00.003+08:00

i'm so darn broke skang. ada few bucks je dalam purse and none in the bank. mak aih. memang nak jual all those handicrafts thingy tapi i need cash badly skang. loan bila la nak approve. makin sengkek aku ni. haih. dok belek baju baju dalam closet, thinking of selling it tapi ada ke orang nak beli? maybe yg pvc jacket tu je la kot since beli tak pernah pakai pun. buat ape beli ntah. haih. tu la orang sibuk nak beli and pakai awak tu sibuk beli tapi tak pakai. tak ke rugi duit. dah lah mahal. bengong. like 70% of the clothes inside my closet tak terpakai. biar je dalam tu. pastu bising baju fav dah lusuh. teruk kan? ntah pape. but if i don't try it we won't know kan. tadi browse banyak gila pre loved blogshop and baju baju dia nice jugak. macam nak beli je. eh. mana ada duit. tengok tu menyimpang. 60% of em selling branded clothes. hurm. baju baju aku mana ada brand. 1, 2 je kot and tu baju baju fav yang selalu pakai g kolej takkan nak jual sebab lusuh. aiya. tak apelah. aku try je lah. if ada orang beli aku bersyukur tak ingat. i need those moolah. man. takpe takpe. Allah nak hamba-NYA berusaha kan? so aku tengah berusaha. insyaAllah ada cara aku buat duit sendiri without anyone's help. gaji ciput jangan ditanya. aku tengah angin sebab bulan depan baru dapat. sedihnya.

tagged.

2010-11-16T22:21:00.002+08:00

Nab, this is for youu. :)

1. apa benda yg paling penting dalam hidup?

family, benn and bestfriends. eventho selalu gaduh tapi i know deep down semua sayang kot kat aku. marah tanda sayang kan? :)

2. benda terakhir yg korg beli guna duet sndiri?
beli a few stuffs @ pyramid. :)

3. tempat ingin melangsungkan perkahwinan n tema perkahwinan?

TBC.

theme? se-simple yang boleh. tema putih coklat.

4. adakah u all sedang bercinta sekarang?
definitely.

5. berapa lama u all akan mncintai kekasih u all?
amboi.macam wartawan soalan-soalan ni ha

6. novel/buku/majalah terakhir yg korang beli?
mags cleo. novel by L.A Banks. a full set of 8. tapi ada 2 missing.

7. antara mak n ayah mana lebih mesra?
mama. tapi mama dah takde. sekarang rapat dengan papa. :)

8. namakan org yg u all betol2 nak jumpe dalam hidup?
i want to meet my idol and my source of inspiration. siapa dia tak perlu tahu.:)

9. adakah u all basuh baju sndiri?
dah tu sape nak basuhkan. rumah ni mana ada maid. tapi basuh ikut dan je la sbb rumah ni ikut turn. ramai kan. berebut basuh.

10. tempat yg u all betol2 nak pergi?
balik kampung. memang suka balik kampung.

11. pilih satu,peluk atau cium?
taknak pilih satu. peluk and cium my nieces and nephews. geram!

12. tiga (3) benda ttg org yg tag u all?
she's nice. first time jumpa terus click mcm kenal lama. skang ni masing masing dah busy tak sempat borak pun. :'(

13. benda yg u all sayang sgt2 dlm hidup?
my novels. my books.

14. lima lagu paling suka n selalu dgr?
dgr je memane boleh

15. bila tarikh lahir n kat mana smbut tahun lps?
13 december. last year? rumah and lelepak with benn

16. lima (5) blogger u all nk tag?

sape nak buat, sila la. malas nak tag. :)

Mengamuk

2010-11-06T22:03:00.002+08:00

Aku malas nak mengamuk dengan orang macam kau with that sort of mentality. Argue sampai akhirat pun kau tak akan pernah faham.

Sila berambus dari hidup aku kalau muka taknak ada cop tangan aku. I mean it. Mulut kau memang sangat puaka.

la la la la la hari hari kerja

2010-11-05T17:19:00.003+08:00

Malas nak update sebab ;

charger laptop rosak. sedih gila. nak pergi cari lain memang kena tunggu betul betul free and now mana ada time free sebab kerja kul 6pm dah keluar rumah, pergi makan dulu kenyang2 then pick up friends along the way terus ke PJ. have to be @PJ before 8.30pm, nak amik attendance. Beratur in group, and amik ladder, box, etc baru naik bus and off to destination. Monday pergi Puchong. Start kerja around 10.30pm. 1am break 1/2 hour then 3.30 break lagi another 1/2hour. So aku selalu g solat isya' time second break, sebab 1st break lapar and turun pergi canteen/arena nak cari my beg dalam box. And around 6.30 break lagi, time ni semua serbu nak solat subuh sebab 15 mins je break. Sambung counting. Penat gila berdiri. Imagine kena scan 90% of all the items dalam 1 floor. Penat sangat. Kena berdiri, tak boleh duduk sebab selalu customer (orang-orang Jusco) ada and kena tunjuk disiplin bla bla bla tapi kitorang selalu duduk jugak especially kira shelf paling bawah tu sebab penat gila kot berdiri berjam jam kaki pun kebas tak ingat. Orang selalu tanya aku habis kerja pukul berapa. Bidaah je pukul 7 tu sebab selalu sangat overtime. HARI HARI. pukul 7am if group kau dah habis area tu kira nikmatnya hidup. Tu pun kena turun naik pergi back up team team yang belum siap. Balik pukul 10am atas bus dah biasa sangat dah. Gerak pergi PJ and terus head to Shah Alam. Aku selalu makan dulu before balik sebab lapar gila kot kadang kadang pukul 12pm baru dapat makan. Balik rumah mandi basuh baju selalu by 1pm baru nak tidur. Petang dalam 5.30 nak kena bangun dah sebab nak gerak g PJ kerja lagi malam tu. Tell me, masa bila aku nak pergi cari charger laptop tu? Haih. I don't even have time for myself dah. Nasib jugak kerja dengan Benn. Tapi lain2 team and lain2 bus. Jumpe lah kejap time break and masa nak pergi balik tu.

Kesimpulannya kerja aku ni memang penat, tapi seronok. I think.(Sebab baru few days kan, belum outstation lagi) Aku rasa peritnya nak earn money, so hopefully lepas ni aku taklah membazir sangat. Biarlah orang nak hina kerja aku ''eleh kira stock je, lekeh'' takpelah. At least aku kerja malam sampai pagi bukan pergi jual body jual itu ini dekat hotel mana mana. Aku kerja dengan kudrat aku sendiri, tak ponteng2 time kerja and tak kacau orang. Walau gaji aku bagi kau tak berapa banyak, tapi itu effort aku sendiri. Nak cari duit. So biarlah. Aku tak pernah kacau kau kan. I have no idea kenapa mulut kau busuk sangat nak mengeji aku sampai macam tu. Tapi lantaklah. Itu dosa kau tanggung sendiri.

Cuti 3 hari from all those hardwork memang berbaloi. 5hb, 6hb and 7hb. Isnin 8hb off to Melaka and JB. Hopefully dapatlah roomate yang tak menyemakkan kepala otak aku since 6 hari nak duduk sama kan. Aku mudah je, benda nak pinjam mintak and jangan semak area aku. Tu je. Zaman asrama dulu pun macam ni. Benda mudah. Jangan di-argue kenapa.

Aku nak pergi tengok tv. Walaupun mengantuk. Tapi I miss all those sitcoms and CSIs and semua lah. RINDU!

2010-11-02T19:49:00.000+08:00

currently working from 10pm to 7 am. so memang jadi burung hantu.

dan bakal tak update anything kecuali @ twitter and facebook

Rasyad Ashadi

2010-10-28T14:43:00.002+08:00

my 4months nephew first word is his own name. T_T how cute is that??! :D

but of course he didn't say Rasyad. we have a video of him saying Acchaad. COMELNYA! he's one bright boy for sure. Dacik loves you!

Mother. Cancer. And everything else.

2010-10-20T23:55:00.007+08:00

I like how tumblr turns purple for the gay people that committed suicide, but not pink for breast cancer awareness month for all the people that didn't have a choice between life and death.

I'm kinda sensitive in that department. For those who don't know, i lost my mama to cancer 4 years ago. It's gruesome to see my mama in such pain - chemotherapy, constantly losing weight. I miss her everyday. Simple things reminds me of her, actually. Cooking, cleaning the house, reading books, going to college (i always remember her exact words ; Belajar sampai genggam degree) and yes mama, I'm on my way. I do hope you're proud of me.

Mama was smiling all the way. Bachelor in Communication. She was 57? 58? at the time

Just did my monthly routine (weekly too, if i'm not busy) of the breast examination. I am paranoid. I'd go to the clinic if any lump appears. Like a few months back. I was having my period and my breast hurts like hell. I was so paranoid I thought I was going to die. I cried for days because it really hurts (I cant even lie down without crying) and eventually I went to the clinic for a check up. I was kinda relieved to know that I had tear a muscle and nothing serious.

After what happened to my mama, how could one not be paranoid right?

It's not easy being in this transition from teenager to adulthood without a mum. I miss her terribly. Cried constantly whenever I had a fight with my dad or any of my sisters. Wishing that she's here, consoling me that everything is fine and I'm just being over sensitive.

I haven't visited her grave for years even though it's just behind our house. Literally. Belakang

rumah is kubur. And so 1 day I decided to visit her grave, since we (my siblings) couldnt go to her grave without crying and sobbing non-stop. I asked Benn to accompany me because it's scary to go to the graveyard alone (even though in the middle of the day) because there are crooks

everywhere. And to my horror, I forgot which one is hers. I was so blank and blur that I can't

remember where I buried my mother, my own mother 4 years ago. Then I calm down because the feeling was overwhelming and then I saw it. It looked differently of course, one should expect that because there were so many ''additions'' around her. I cried afterwards, thinking how could a child not remember where her mother's grave is.

I told my dad. He asked slowly ''You can't find her grave?'' I shook my head and told him I can't at first because I was crying inside, trying my best not to cry. He smiled and told me ''It's the only one with batu sungai. Surely you'd remember that'' I smiled and told him ''Well how can you be so sure when there's one next to it is also one with batu sungai?'' He laughed and smiled

''Yah, Mama tak akan marah yah tak jumpa kubur dia. Mama marah kalau yah tinggal

solat. Yang penting yah tak lupa mama. Semua kena doakan mama''

Okay. I'm not one of those pious ones but i'm trying my best to strengthen my faith. When she died, I was kinda upset and blame it on HIM. Yeah I know it's the worst thing to do but I was 18 and kinda lost in that section.

So up until now I can't read anything about cancer because it shatters up my heart and I'll miss my mama even more. So stop acting like it's okay to move on because as far as I'm concern, my therapist once told me

''Only you yourself will know when the time is right to move on. Take your time, just don't lose your faith along the way. Love is too deep to be forgotten just like that''

Mama with her mama. My grandma still cries whenever we mention about her eldest daughter.

Nevertheless, I love you Mama. Always have, always will.

You're my strength. I miss your laughter so badly. And your cooking. Your kaftan that you love to wear so much every single day. Your uniform because that's my source of income (you'd always go berserk if you find out that your coins are missing and the culprit is me). Your scarfs ; the ones you'd search high and low for only to find out that one of your daughters borrowed it without asking. Your beautiful shoes ; we can't fit in them because we have giant feets and you're like size 5. Your gorgeous handbags. Your wonderful clothes and sense of style. I've always like to see you getting ready for an event, a kenduri, anything. I miss your moisturizer because when I smell it, it reminds me of you. I miss lotsa things mama. I know you're gone and nothing can change that but I'm thankful you're always there for me for 18 years. You were dissapointed with my spm results but u didn't show it, you quickly asked me to further my studies. Gosh ma. You're amazing, do you know that?

I'm thankful to have such an amazing mother. Al-fatihah.

2010-10-20T22:02:00.002+08:00

I love you, please know that. forever

I want a BlackBerry Torch 9800 berry berry much!

2010-10-20T20:05:00.006+08:00

Everywhere I go, especially if running into my old schoolmates they'll ask me for my BBpin. I'll smile shyly and told them I don't own a BlackBerry and they'll exchange glances as if I'm an alien from outer space. Kinda embarrassing, really. It's like I'm from 1970's or something. Bummer.

And now they have BlackBerry Torch???!!!

I WANT ONE! Seriously, I want one of these lil beauties. C'mon. How can you resist THAT?

This gorgeous beauty has a BlackBerry keyboard and also full 3.2 inch touch screen. And for those camera-lovers, it has a 5 MP camera! It's easy to capture those spontaneous moments! No need to drag your precious DSLR everywhere you go coz this amazing lil gadget will just do. Aint that fantastic?Oooh did I mention that they have 8 GB memory expandable up to 32 GB with a micro SD card? And it fits perfectly in your handbags ladies! I'm so like having a star-struck right now. The best thing is that you can always keep in touch with you families and friends through twitter

and facebook and they have those instant messaging - BBM (BlackBerry

Messenger) and it's super cool! You can manage multiple open websites with tabbed browsing. You know what it's like to be gossiping on facebook and stalking your crush at twitter while updating your blog at the same time. And best of all you can just access your fav sites right from the home screen. Multi-tasker much? :) Yeah. BlackBerry Torch is gonna make your life so much easier. If you don't have a Blackberry like me, come and get one now!

But wait! You can't just go out there and get one. You need to know which operator has the best plan and surely CELCOM EXEC 50 bags the title! Why? Because Celcom is Malaysia's No. 1 BlackBerry provider, with the best BlackBerry smartphones and plans!

Imagine paying as low as rm50 a month! It's crazy deal ain't it? With automatic discounts every month and you get 15 sen call rate to ANY NUMBER, with no strings attached. Simple really. You talk more, you save more. Perfect for those chatterbox like me because the more you use it, the more discounts (up to 30%!) every month.

Wait! There's more!

You also get...wait for it....FREE CELCOM BROADBAND BASIC PLAN FOR 1 MONTH! with speeds up to 384 Kbps.

*Phew*

Celcom, you guys are amazing!

Hurry up Nuffnangers! Celcom is giving away 5 BlackBerry Torch! Click click click here.

The launching will be on 29th October 2010 and amazing deals ONLY available at the event IF youu sign up for Celcom. Go and check the Celcom website now!

Ohh. And if you're one of the 1st 100 customers to pre-register (click here) and purchase the new BlackBerry Torch 9800 with Celcom Exec Postpaid Plan, you'll get :

- Jabra Bluetooth Headset worth RM125

- 8GB Micro SD Card worth RM68

- Energizer Portable worth RM58

Stay ahead with BlackBerry on Celcom - the fastest, widest, celarest mobile network!

Toilet Whisperer

2010-10-20T17:59:00.002+08:00

18102010. We, the Toilet Whisperer went for a little road trip to Malacca after endless of discussions before our finals till the very day itself. Options from Genting to FRIM to Sg Congkak to PD and finally everyone decided to go to Malacca.

What's with the name? Oh well. I know it's not glamorous or anything but it's really catchy and there's a lil story behind it. And we love it!

The Toilet Whisperer minus the guy in the red shirt.

L2R : Sapiki. Ila. Ama. Fana. Me. Aida. Mira. Harith. (He's a senior)

A'Famosa

We LOVE to gossip anywhere, everywhere.

This is how Malacca welcome us. Boo!

Work it girls! oh. and you too Sapik.

Our lil Johnny. We love him!

We're so darn tired and hungry and simply exhausted. Hence the face.

I love you guys! :D

Can't wait for the 2nd trip! :D

Dois-je appartenir?

2010-10-17T07:00:00.001+08:00

Perdu dans un monde si plein de droits,

Personne ne se soucie de voir mon sort.

Né comme un enfant rempli d'un besoin,

Je suis toujours la personne ne veut génétique chez la femelle.

Sont exclus de la société

Je me tiens debout perdre ma dignité.

Que pouvais-je demander de plus une vie,

Mais maintenant, je prie pour mon sacrifice.

Jour après jour, je suis un passif,

Je suis maintenant de vous montrer mes capacités.

Je suis l'enfant que vous fois rejetée,

Et maintenant tout ce que je demande, c'est à vous de me le reprendre.

2010-10-17T05:14:00.000+08:00

Hello.

Final dah habis.

YEAY!

2010-10-04T01:36:00.002+08:00

simplifying everything

sorry in advance. nothing personal, i just like simple stuffs. y'know?

Final Exam .

2010-10-02T20:04:00.003+08:00

Final exam lagi sepuluh hari. Gerun gila. Ni tengah kemas bilik, susun notes, cari balik small notes yang entah mana tiba tiba nak exam je hilang and updating myself with past sem punya questions.

Midterm haritu HEALTH NUTRITION guna sebijik past sem. Demyu. Haritu nak photostat dah tutup so tak amik last last frust menonggeng je lah.

Off to my chores, and start study macam orang gila.

4 papers aint easy if I don't study hard. Especially Food Microbiology. Paper paling susah. Dem.

p.s: Lepas final ada hajat cuti cuti malaysia dengan classmates. buat macam kaya je sangat kan. takpelah. sekali sekala nak have fun. :D

Masak masak.

2010-09-27T19:41:00.003+08:00

Sepatutnya study tapi migrain sebab lambat makan. Padan muka sebab lambat balik equals to lambat masak equals to lupa makan breakfast dan lunch hanya dijamah pukul 2.30 pm. Bravo.
Cooked ayam masak kicap (again, because I love it) and kacang buncis - ini masak campak campak saja. Simple pun simple lah. Aku je yang makan. Seronok sebab tadi pujuk papa beli sos tiram, sos itu sos ini. Papa of course excited lebih seeing his lil girl memasak because he's been hinting it for weeks. . Papa kata persediaan rumah tangga.

T_T Kenapa papa guna ayat tu macam nak suruh kahwin je.

Lepas masak tadi papa bagi buku resipi ''Hidangan nasi - nasi''. Ada more than 10 including all fave nasi lemak and nasi goreng ayam. Ada resipi untuk nasi dagang and nasi risotto. Hurm. I'll try to cook it this weekend sebab I'm kinda busy walaupun mengadap pc ini dah 15 minit. Mandi pun belum sebab teruja papa bagi buku. Ye papa, I get it. I'll cook from now on.

I dont use recipe books for simple cooking macam masak kicap, sweet sour, sup ayam and masak merah. Tu guna akal sebab sekali masak terus ingat. Bukan berlagak tapi memang senang ingat sebab it's food kan and I do love food. Cuma benda banyak rempah rempah and kari gulai semua tu memang tahu cuma tak berapa nak register kat otak sebab tak suka sangat. Memang paling suka masak kicap and masak merah sebab guna benda basic which is bawang merah, bawang putih campak campak dah siap.

I think semua perempuan tak reti macam mana pun mesti ada desire nak masak. And now aku masak jugak eventho penat sebab papa suruh. The other day masak bihun sebab Benn geco (teringin) and dia sibuk aku masak sikit. T_T Memanglah sebab guna perencah so obviously akan sedap. Aku cakap kat dia nanti aku masak bihun/nasi goreng from scratch and dia kata aku menyusahkan diri when perencah tu memudahkan.

Aku rasa masak tanpa perencah ajinomoto lah, cukup rasa semua tu makes your food even delicious. Mama dulu masak without perencah and she's the best cook ever. So if I wanna be as good as her, aku pun kena la masak without perencah cukup rasa semua tu kan kan? :D

Nak kena mandi dan study. Final dah dekat. Nak nangis :'(

2010-09-26T21:30:00.004+08:00

dan Tuhan, sejujurnya aku tak faham.
aku tak mengerti.
ya memang semua ini takdir tapi benda ini makan diri.

ya Tuhan, aku memang tak mahu ini. :'(

Curang.

2010-09-23T15:32:00.004+08:00

Semalam ada kawan aku text nangis nangis (dia buat simbol :'(( jadi aku assume dia nangis) dan mengadu buah hati dia curang.

Curang.

Semua orang yang in relationship or single pun tak suka dengar perkataan tu. It's like the most hated word ever. Apetah lagi kena tepat batang hidung sendiri. Aku pujuk dia, tanya kenapa. Biasalah lelaki, pantang berduit mata terus nampak semua perempuan macam on sale 50% terus grab banyak banyak macam boleh bayar guna credit card.

After awhile, dia tenang sikit sebab dia mengaku benda ni actually dah jadi lama dah but dia tutup mata and dia tukar topik cakap pasal life semua ; asked me how I'm dealing with life. Gelak gelak balik thinking benda lama. Memories. And then dia tanya soalan cepumas.

''Kau dengan Benn okay? Kau trust dia?''

Aku gelak.

I have been handling trust issues for as long as I could remember. Susah kot orang macam aku ni sebab we trust way too much. Senang percaya orang. Orang maybe gelak dengar if aku cakap aku ni naive because I trust people whom are close to me sangat sangat. Aku comfortable to be in my own skin. Sebab aku benci orang hipokrit. As for Benn, aku trust dia. Memang dari zaman besties pun memang aku trust dia, we shared macam macam cerita, especially during those gruesome 3 months pratical training. Dia faham aku back then and until now. So trust issues tu memang tak ada sebab aku trust dia. Besides, dia tak pandai menipu. He's one bad liar I tell you. Nak buat suprise kat aku pun berpeluh peluh tipu and I can usually tell.

Tapi once in a relationship, kau mudah jadi fragile. Kau rasa he or she is bound to leave you for that certain someone who is smarter, prettier or even richer sebab kau sayang dia and kau takut that happiness yang kau rasa tu kena rampas macam tu je. Insecure kan. Benda tu normal. Kau trust 100% pun mesti kau ada rasa insecure especially your significant other tu pernah ada history of cheating or changing partners in such short time.

For me, mula mula tu susah. We argued pasal benda ni. Dia marah aku selalu rasa insecure sebab dia selalu jadi centre of attention (for girls, kalau lelaki tu aku tak heran) tapi lama lama aku rasa apa apa pun jadi, selagi ada jodoh dia ada just for me and bukan untuk perempuan lain. Memang lah, rasa insecure tu kau tanya lah orang mesti ada even 0.001% dalam hati. Kecuali orang dah kahwin. Sebab setahu aku, kalau jadi isteri, tak elok curiga selalu, berdosa. Kalau tak silap aku lah. But itu jauh sangat. I'm talking about simple relationship antara kau dan significant other.

People tend to jadi clingy especially those with family problems, or ada any kinds of problems. Sebab kau trust him/her, kau nak dia ada selalu sebab deep down kau tahu bila dia ada kau rasa safe as if orang mana mana pun tak boleh nak hurt you in any way at all. Rasa secure tu penting, sebab for me if kau boleh rasa safe dengan dia, kau boleh rasa comfortable untuk cakap any topic dengan dia and tak hipokrit macam ''oh i pun suka tengok bola'' when the fact is that you don't jadinya kau boleh let your guard down. He/she is not going anywhere sweetie. If dia boleh accept you for who you are then kenapa nak takut? If he/she loves you, kenapa mesti rasa nak cari orang lain sebab takut dia tu tinggalkan kau?

Kau suka ke bila kau sayang someone but at the same time dia ada orang lain yang sayangkan dia as much as you do? Maybe even more? Mestilah tidak kan. Jadi why did you cheat? Kalau dah tak suka, let them go dengan cara baik. Maybe tiada jodoh, nak buat macam mana. Sakit tu mestilah, pedih kot. Aku tau. Aku faham. Jadi bila rasa tak suka, tak sayang, slow talk dengan orang tu. Maybe boleh bagi dia chance untuk berubah. Mungkin dia rasa kau tak sayang dia if dia tak pakai make up contohnya jadi dia pakai make up tebal macam pengantin hari hari and then kau naik rimas sebab malu. Tegur dia nicely, mungkin dia tak sedar sebab dia nak impress kau kan. Mungkin dia get too comfy at their own skin sampai lupa nak jaga hati their significant other, jadi tegur dia baik baik. Mungkin dia terlalu seronok, dia lupa. Mungkin dia rasa just because you love them, you'll accept ANYTHING sedangkan kita tahu dia sebenarnya mampu jaga hati cuma kadang kadang take things for granted. Manusia, biasalah.

Kawan aku kata dia suruh aku bebel di blog. Ini jawapan semalam. Maaf tak seelok yang diharapkan sebab aku penat and otak masih blur. Malam ini kerja and aku sedang exhausted. Tapi i do hope kau faham apa aku nak cakapkan. You know me best kan, bebel bebel pun isi berterabur pun but you do get my point.

:D

Job.

2010-09-21T19:24:00.004+08:00

I think I know what I want know. And if I want if, I have to go for it. Macam dapat wake up call sebab mimpi tempoh hari. Mimpi apa tak perlu tahu lah, cukup aku je tahu. Kepoci betul korang ni.
Lagi 3 minggu nak final. Aku dah start study. Melampau tak rajinnya? Syafrah Ashadi bukan macam ni, dia suka buat kerja last minute sebab suka cabar diri, push myself to the limit untuk siapkan kerja. Adrenaline rush, orang kata. Sebab push myself nak tengok sempat siap ikut time ke tak padahal kerja tu berminggu dah lecturer bagi. Mengada oh.

Tapi aku nak genggam 3 pointer.

Eleh. 3 pointer je?

Eh sukati aku lah nak set limit tinggi mana. Aku tau my own capabilities jadi kau mulut suka bebel sila diam.

Tinggi lagi sebenarnya, tapi biarlah aku set cukup 3 dulu sebab aku nak tengok how far aku boleh push myself. I'm very good when it comes to mind control. Aku boleh control how my body feels, the way it react, aku boleh sakit teruk if i want to. Mind control is something so powerful sebenarnya. Sem ni nak pulun. Nak lawan Benn. MUAHAHA. Ada hati nak lawan budak 4 flat. Adeh. Takpe. Kita aim tinggi. Tapi genggam 3 ok lah tu kan?

Part time job memang betul part time. Searching for one on the weekends. Anyone ada? I'm trying to pay off my debt and kumpul duit to buy a car. A secondhand one. But itu jangka masa panjang like 3 years ke apa. Tapi aim dah ada. Takmau proton kalau boleh. Takde sugar daddy nak pass pass kereta jadi belajar kumpul duit sendiri. :)

I know where I wanna work, ada 5 choices. Baru 1st sem dah fikir mana nak kerja masa dah grad. Takpela. Aim high darling. Aim high. At least ada hala tuju. Terima kasih mimpi, terima kasih. Sekarang tengah usaha cari part time job time weekdays malam sebab takde kelas malam. Haih. Susah jugak sebab semua nak full time and nak experience. Hurm.

Kenapa kan bila orang hutang kita tapi dia buat macam kita hutang dia? Jangan lah lupa hutang kalau dah janji nak bayar.

Ptuih.

2010-09-17T16:12:00.003+08:00

Banyak benda sebenarnya nak diupdate. Tentang raya. Tentang emosi dan tangisan di pagi raya. Tentang road trip bersama Jacks dan aku dapat spend time dengan Benn setelah berkurun lama tak spend time lama macam tu. Dia busy, aku pun busy dan emosi. Dan bila dapat lepak especially with them aku rasa happy. Terlampau happy. Sebab lupa kejap realiti and cuma have fun tak ingat.

Pixelette terkubur kejap sebab terlampau busy. Assignments, quizzes, layan kerenah orang macam macam buat aku rasa exhausted dengan life sebenarnya. Semua benda kena jaga. Tutur kata, apa kau buat, every reaction kau ada, mimik muka, dan of course body language. Sampaikan one day aku broke down into tears sebab penat bermuka muka in this community. I believe everyone mesti ada different opinion on something and aku paling benci hipokrasi tapi in the end benda tu makan dalam sebab takkan depan authorities (eg parents, lecturers, orang orang berkuasa you get the drift lah kan) kau nak tunjuk kau hebat? Memang salah langkah lah kan. So nak tak nak, suka tak suka kau memang kena jadi hipokrit in front of them sebab pertama kau tak nak derhaka dan kedua you're so gonna save the trouble of behaving badly and just ikut apa yang dorang nak. Follow the route. Ikut je macam pak turut kena cucuk.

Life is tiring. Siapa hebat dia ada di atas, regardless how he/ she gets there. Kipas ke, hardwork ke. In the end jangan tipu kata you dont face hipokrasi in any way every single day.

Jangan tuding jari sangat. Kau pun sama hipokrit. Apa beza kalau aku lawan semula dan tunjuk kau dunia ni ada Pencipta?

2010-09-14T13:37:00.002+08:00

Jangan ditanya kenapa serigala jadian ini rojak bahasanya. It goes with the mood.

Dan mood aku sekarang sangat mengantuk tunggu Jacks berdua itu. Alamat tertidur kang aku depan laptop ni.

Syawal 1431H

2010-09-14T03:59:00.003+08:00

It's 4 a.m and I can't sleep. Hello again insomnia. Kept myself busy for few hours playing scrabbles but ended up losing to various strangers is one hell of frustration I can't explain. I need to read more books and learn my vocabs.

Frustration. s.

People say things happened for a reason and I am yet to wonder what reason could slap me on the face for me to deserve all that? I'm not exactly Megan Fox nor Miss oh-i'm-so-perfect-i'm-gonna-die. But cut some slack will ya? Yes, I'm 22. I know I should be acting my age but it's a process I am yet to discover. Being depressed isn't something I WANT to do or be in the situation. It's exhausting. It really is. You're suddenly moody all the time, you wanna scream out loud, you wanna cut yourself so that you could have that taint evidence that you're alive. I read in a mag once about depression and ANYONE could fall into it without even realizing it. Funny eh? You're depressed and you don't even know it. I am a pessimist and always will be. I am trying to change but please bear with me during this awful process. I'm meditating, learning about my own body and how to control my mind by not thinking awful thoughts (killing myself is one option) and how to control my emotions better. I ain't perfect. No one is. Why keep on pushing me off the cliffs? To see if suddenly out of the blue I could magically or miraculously I could someday fly?

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Your brain dimwit.

It's really frustrating when people are irritated with my depression. I'm dealing with it, I am. I've been living in this body for almost 22 years so please, I do know what is best for me. Sometimes I like my privacy. I like to sit in my room alone without anyone disturbing. I am a bookworm. I love books like you can't imagine. My first love is my Enid Blyton Books. I need to focus when I'm reading because my imagination are way beyond yours even though I can't express it through my writings or drawings. When I read, I'm in the character, in the story. I feel what she/he is feeling. I cried many times reading P.S I Love You because I can't imagine to lose someone who is meant to be your soul mate. I'm terribly upset with the Twilight Saga because all four books are ultimately awesome (I'm a sucker for fantasy werewolf thingy) and the movies are so darn blah. So I'd rather not go watch movies taken from books because my expectations are high. So can you understand why I like my privacy every once in awhile?

People told me ''Get a grip, move on. Stop being depressed and live life''. Easy for you to say. Even experts told me that I should be ready on my own, get out of depression when I want to, by myself and not my some pushy people that's pushing me off the cliff and expect me to fly. Pfft. Who made you God anyway? I am dealing with it, I can assure you. How I am dealing with it is my problem and you don't have to be such a bad ass about it. I admit my emotions are not like roller coasters, the speed are more like rockets. Okay. Perhaps G5. But they can changed in a blink of an eye. It's really frustrating even to myself because I can't help it.

I'm off to bed because I'm crying. Only God knows why. I cried for the first time during 1st Raya because I think I miss my late mother too much. Little things hurts, you know? I'm very sensitive and little remarks can stain my heart forever. I'm not strong for this. I am not. Why give me such treatment? Have I ever treat you that bad? I just want to belong. Something. Anything. Don't do this to me. I don't know how I will react in future because frankly, it really hurts.

Salam Aidilfitri.

Balik Kampung

2010-09-02T22:04:00.002+08:00

Esok cuti. Okay tak. Tipu. Esok ada kelas 2.30. Darn. Malas.

Apa ini update pendek pendek.

Lapar. Padahal tadi dah bantai nasi briyani ayam kaw punya! Currently listening to OST 8 BULAN : Kekanda Adinda By Atilia & Monoloque. Alahai comelnya lirik dia. :) Someone posted the link @ Fb and it's darn cute! :)

Ya Allah malasnya nak pack baju balik kampung. Prolly balik malam since Papa kata ada yang nak berbuka kat luar jadi baiklah. I'm fine as long as I get to sleep as usual along the journey. *grins*

Balik kampung is something my family looks forward to. Doesn't really matter it's Kedah or Perlis (We have a gilir gilir system since like forever, so no chaos there). Memang excited. My friends (schoolmates) always give me the look whenever I told them I must bring along my red pillow and sweater so that I can grab 5 ~~minutes~~ hours of sleep in the car while someone else's driving (It won't matter who is driving, I'm the youngest jadi ada luxury untuk lepak di belakang kroh kroh pastu sampai kampung ada hati nak sambung tidur lagi. tsk) I know. Bongsu selalu macam ini. :) Don't blame me, I just got my license like 4 months ago. :D

Seronok okay balik kampung. Dulu dulu masa Van masih elok sumbat air kotak dalam mini fridge yg ada dalam van. Pastu buat buat lembik nak buka puasa if balik kampung masa siang. Mengada betul. Tsk. And dulu masa naik Van tu I always get to sit in front with mama and akan duduk sembunyi kat bawah time ada polis. :D Time kecik kecik lah of course. Pe jadah umur 15 duduk atas riba mama. T_T

So bila masing masing dah besar and eldest sis sudah kahwin, balik kampung dah jadi dua kereta sebab dah tak muat. Biaselah. Siblings je dah 6 orang. Campur mak pak lagi. Tambah menantu. Tambah cucu cucu. Kan ramai tu. Meriah. Pastu sempit sempit kat belakang komplen tak kena air cond lah, radio tak dengar lah, tak mau chanel suria fm ke ape sume takmau. last last burn cd lagu raya hah amik 5 jam balik kampung dengar lagu raya sampai muak. fav thing to do masa balik kampung tu main kira num plat k+ereta with my brother. you know plat kereta kan selalu ada 4 numbers eg : 5183 so kira lah 5+1+8+3 jadi berapa. selalu kalah dengan abg apiq sebab dia terer maths lepas tu adik bongsu ni merajuk amik bantal terus tidur. yeah. tak fun langsung asyik tidur je dalam kereta. Bongsu memang camtu.

I'm seriously hungry. I need to eat pronto .
Will update later. Gasaklah korang bosan baca. Tsk.

2010-08-31T13:58:00.001+08:00

Happy 53rd Independence Day Malaysia.

Procrastinator

2010-08-29T17:31:00.004+08:00

I am indeed a Procrastinator. A Pro-tor. (Lazy bum). I have 2 more assignments and 1 slide show to hand over tomorrow and here I am, downloading god-knows-when-songs-definitely-not-latest and lazing around with my cat. Okay. Our cat. Totee. She's adorable. Did I tell youu people she drinks from a cup/glass and she loves our Raya Biscuits. She's practically in the kitchen sniffing for our biscuits and cookies whenever she's out of her cage. Boo is her son, a very unique one. He's cheeky and adorable but afraid of people and the grass T_T I have a cat that is terrified of the grass. Lame Boo, very LAME. Sigh.

It's gonna rain soon. I hope. I'm darn sleepy. My sleeping pattern these days are absolutely absurd. I'm up around 5 and at 8 again when for a fact that I wasnt sleeping the night before. I think I have insomnia. T_T Lame Syafrah, very LAME. Sigh.

I'm in a bad mood lately. Post PMS? Darn it. No such thing.

I want my world to be stress-free, happy, cartoonized and fun all the way.

But life shits on everyone. Demit.

p.s : i'm a chatterbox. my parents is convinced that i swallow a microphone accidentally when i'm younger thus the loud voice and endless conversations about mainly nothing. sigh. off to do my assignments. hello stress. goodbye fun.

Confessions

2010-08-28T01:03:00.006+08:00

Semua orang nak kurus. Semua. Especially teenagers zaman sekarang. Tak main lah diet diet. Telan pil terus. Apa guna peluh penat exercise bazir duit pergi gym cuci mata tengok gym instructor yang hot belaka when youu have the pleasure untuk telan pil and look hot without any effort at all?

Cuma side effect kidney rosak dan bakal mati in few years time itu kau tak kisah. Well. Kidney rosak bukan orang nampak and semua bakal mati nanti. One day. When the time has come.

Kan?

I'm not a size zero. I've been handling with this thin-ness issue since I was a primary kid. Time tu memang kurus. Of course lah kan. Tapi nampak aku awkward bila kau kurus tapi pipi tembam. Macam Donald Duck. Tak.

Macam Chipmunk.

Sumpah annoying badan masa tu. Tak apelah. Mama kata baby fat akan hilang once masuk sekolah menengah. Baiklah.

Masuk sekolah menengah still rasa insecure. Keperempuanan (if you know what I mean) macam nak tak nak. Sedih. Period pun datang lambat, tak geng dengan Mama and my sisters. Confirm diri ada something wrong. Rasa diri buruk time tu, rasa nak bunuh diri 24/7, rasa insecure gila, rasa badan awful and memang nekad I'm in that state forever.

I still remember my first lingerie. Paksa my eldest sis beli. Walaupun it wasnt the right time for me, Miss Late Bloomer. Tetap paksa. Masa tu excited masa Kotex datang sekolah bagi pad free sebab curious rasa period macam mana. OH GOD AWFUL GILA PERIOD NI. Masa tu sedih dengar my friends cakap beli baju macam macam style lepas tu balik rumah tulis dalam diary nak bunuh diri.

Badan keding takde figure ada hati nak pakai baju ada cutting. In the end macam budak laki pakai baju girl.

Aneh kan?

Aku still di-cop as budak tinggi galah tapi keding gila. Masa form 4, semua, SEMUA akan paksa aku makan banyak masa zaman asrama. Sikit sikit sua makan lepas tu cakap ''Hang kena makan banyak nanti hang kuruih laki tak suka tengok. Macam jerangkung''

Memang sekor sekor nak kena penampar sedas.

But I took their advice, and gain 8 kilos in 6 months. Debab time tu. Pipi tak payah cakap lah. 10 kilo. I was happy. Masa tu berat 56kg. Seronok! Excited gila bila balik rumah pakai seluar tak muat.

Masa Form 5 tu la mendadak turun berat. Bukan sebab putus cinta, sebab simpan duit. Makanan terhad sangat, duit tak berapa nak ada. Yelah. Tiap2 minggu dok mintak duit je kan. Sebab makanan sedap2 and kat sana murah tapi aku jenis makan banyaaaaak gilaaaaaa lepas tu nanti stok makanan habis buat muka sedih dengan dormates siapa ada maggi lebih. Tak Maggi, mesti bihun PAMA. Aku suka bihun, and selalu pau Ain. Masa form 5 baru rasa nak sayang diri, sayang badan, love my own self. Itu pun kejap, sebab ada boyfriend. Jarak jauh pun sanggup. Gatal. Nak buat macam mana. Kita nun jauh di Perlis duduk asrama. Dia di Selangor, hari hari tengok kalendar tunggu buah hati balik masa cuti sekolah. Tup tup putus.

Dah rasa down balik rasa diri ni macam worthless. I dont know bout you guys, tapi my life as teenagers, memang F up gila. Cepat betul rasa nak bunuh diri lah, rasa nak nangis pagi sampai malam, rasa tak lawa sebab hitam and tak putih macam perempuan kat iklan,rasa nak kelar kelar tangan sebab orang cakap budak emo buat macam tu, rasa nak dye rambut, rasa nak pierce sana sini baru nampak macam ganas biar orang takut nak buli.

Lepas Form 5 sampai sekarang, baru 2 kali kot berat cecah 50kg. Mati mati ingat cacing siap pergi beli Zentell kat farmasi lepas tu makan hoping cacing takde. Tapi macam tu jugak badan. Yeah kita minum susu anlene. Tetap sama. Makan lah banyak mana pun, tetap macam ini.

Dahlah kurus, keding pulak. Tak payah tarik nafas panjang panjang. Selak baju je dah nampak tulang / ribs. Orang pakai skinny jeans nampak cantik, so after many years and many persuasions from others, aku pun beli. Murah je tapi, sebab nak try. Dah ada orang komen kaki macam tiang letrik. Terus simpan taknak pakai dah. Rasa diri buruk balik. I'm a tall girl, with low self esteem because of how I look and how much I weigh. I'm 168cm and no, I'm not lying. Aku memang sama tinggi dengan Hanis Zalikha. I'm the shortest in my family and the thinnest. I'm only 44kg at the moment because I'm fasting (Bulan puasa je mesti turun at least 2 kilo) and my usual weight is 46-48kg.

I'm not anorexia. I'm not bulimic. I eat. I eat a lot. I eat and I get hungry in less than 2 hours after my big meal. Semua pelik. Doctor cakap I'm healthy cuma blood pressure low sebab kurus sangat. 90/60 tu normal BP masa demam. Haritu pernah sekali dapat high BP ; 120/70 lepas tu kena marah dengan Doc cakap kenapa stress sampai kena hypertension. Selalu hypotension je. My body is weird. My legs are very thin. I cant wear clothes that is tight fitting because people will think that I'm anorexia. Or that I dont eat. I am not size zero. People don't usually think when they make a nasty comment about my body. They think that I want this body, I'm dieting and such. I used to hate this body. I'm ashamed of it, actually. I'm so thin that if we're walking together and you punched me jokingly I'd fall down. My sisters does that and yes, I did fall down. It hurts when people judged me because of my body type. They think that I'm those kinda girls who is eating illegal pills just to look thin. I'm not a monster. I'm not anorexia. Please stop accusing me of that.

I may look tough on the outside, but inside I'm weak. I cry all the time whenever people say bad things about me. I almost fainted when people call me anorexia chick. Please. Stop. I dont have eating disorder. I dont. It's my metabolism. I've always been this thin since I could remember. My family is known for our high metabolism and we usually gain a lot of weight after we're 25. 3 more years to go. Let me enjoy my body. I've learned to love it a lot these days. Benn told me that I look normal, and because of my height that people tend to notice that I'm thin. I used to asked him endlessly if I look normal.

Benn's answer is simple ;

''I'll love youu no matter what body shape you have. I love you for who you are''

He taught me how to love myself and be confident. How to not be insecure anymore. And yes, I love my body because more and more people come to me and confront that they would kill just to have my body.

Aint that the nicest thing

Ladies, be true to yourself. You have one body and one body only for the rest of your life. If you yourself dont love it then who will? God created us in different ways and lovely ways. You might not see that you're beautiful, but someone out there will. Why risk yourself with those illegal pills? If you're curvy, be happy that you're healthy. Be bootylicious like Beyonce. If you're stick thin like me, be happy that you're healthy. Be fabulous like Agyness Deyn. Just be happy no matter what size you are. Love your body ladies. Be confident. That's the new sexy. :')

i'll fall into youu

2010-08-26T00:33:00.009+08:00

I don't tell

anyone about the way you hold my hand

I don't tell

anyone about the things that we have planned

Won't tell anybody how you turn my world around

I won't tell anyone how your voice is my

favourite sound

Just hold onto

me
I'll hold onto youIt's you and me up against the world
It's you and me
I won't fall out of loveI'll fall into you

I love youu Benn :*

i wanna be your Ellie. And you can be my Carl.

guh guh

2010-08-25T00:37:00.002+08:00

esok maybe update 2 events.

eh. 3. termasuk malam tadi.

demit. rindu Benn.

we annoy each other. that's what we do best.

kau fikir sebab both of us masam muka 5 min and gaduh2 u have the oppurtunity to break us off?fat chance honey. u can't have him. aku sayang dia. he's mine to annoy and mine alone. kau boleh back off and stop cucuk cucuk. biarlah if it wont work out in future ke apa. it's present now and i need him around me.

love you Mir. sangat. :)

guhnaite folks.

damn sleepy. gua marah ni bai. apehal kipas slow pandang gua kerek je dari tadi?

demit. padan muka gua pasang aircond. guhbai ozone.

537

2010-08-21T13:02:00.005+08:00

lima tiga tujuh jadi empat lapan kosong. dan bakal di-delete-kan lagi. rimas la.

and to fans kepada bestie aku tu, kalau di-delete-kan, harap maklum. i'm sorry but i need my space and aku bukan celebrity pun korang nak kena tau kan. bukan sombong, tapi entahlah. aku susah nak jadi friendly lately. makan balik diri. so harap korang faham. youu guys are the best but for her, not for me. :)

sekarang tengah kemas rumah. apa kau buat depan laptop la siot. saja. penat. peluh peluh. dahaga. padahal gedik bukannya puasa. pagi tadi (bukan nya pagi sangat, dah pukul 11) turun dengan baju tidur nya dengan muka basi tiba tiba Papa tegur.

''hah. bangun dah. hah. nak makan nasi lauk semua ada kat bawah tudung. pi la makan. perangat sendiri na''

T_T how cool is that. papa macam tau tau je anak dara bongsu dia ni tak puasa. for a fact sebenarnya semalam dah bagitau tak bangun sahur. papa suruh masak telur masin for myself so i told him tak mau sebab esok tak nak bangun sahur. malas. papa gelak gelak je la.

''tu malas nak masak la tu sebenarnya kan?''

heh. i love my papa. he knows exactly anak dara dia sorang ni. manja, spoiled lepas tu kuat merajuk. biasalah. adik bongsu. perempuan pulak tu. dah mama takdak ni, manja dengan papa, kakak2 dengan abang2 la. ngeee.

speaking of mama, lama tak jenguk kubur. i mean literally ; LAMA. sebab tak mau nangis kat kubur, tak elok kan meratap orang yang dah pergi. so doa dalam solat je lah. sebab tak sampai hati tengok kubur, mesti nangis. tak apa lah. esok bila bila free nak ajak papa pergi jenguk kubur mama. bersihkan.

bye.

p.s : baju raya tahun ini recycle baju raya 3 tahun lepas. 1st time tak beli baju raya. takde mood maybe. dan mungkin jugak sebab tema sama. 3 years ago tema biru and tahun ni lite blue. GEDIK BETUL LAH SAPA MINTAK TEMA NI. (padahal abang long tu. haip. adik bongsu jgn derhaka). kasut raya ape sume recycle je la mana ada. malas. seriously takde mood nak raya. dahlah nieces raya singapore ini tahun. sedih tak ingat. :( baju raya tu it's a jubah, so muat lagi cuma dah nampak gelebeh sebab dah makin kurus. 46kg with 168cm. tak comel kan? macam jerangkung hidup kau tak payah tengok cerita indon suster ngesot ke ape bak datang tengok aku. sure kau tak takut dah tengok cerita jerangkung T_T

p.p.s : orang kata masa happy berat naik. tipu. tak naik pun. sama je. so it means masa tu i wasnt happy ke?

Hold your horses. I'm back. :)

2010-08-20T16:21:00.002+08:00

Ok. Terharu. Orang cari bila fb deactivated and blog private. (nak delete tapi sayang, dulu dah delete satu blog yg since 2005 lepas tu menyesal)

Bukan cari attention, tak. Sebab rasa diri ni macam addicted gila dgn internet dan facebook dan blogspot dan tumblr dan youtube dan okay sudah lah tu annoying pulak.

Hati keras sekarang. Bak datang ah.
(Padahal perut bunyi bunyi mintak makan. gedik. puasa reti diam dia. bila cuti ja mengada mintak makan. grr)

Disebabkan ada PIXELETTE, makanya fb tak boleh di-deactivate-kan. demit. demit. malas suda nak main fb. semua status attention whores je. hamik kau kena sebijik. semua nk marah2, nk attention thru status haru biru pastu komen beratus ratus. rimas. ok aku pun sama sibuk nak baca life orang oh harini dia pergi bazar beli roti john tapi tak sedap eh bf dia kena rampas eh dia tu pulak ada keta baru laaaa kenapa dia buat profile macam tu. ha amik dosa sepam sibuk gossip tengok status and buat aku macam takde life je sibuk kat fb.

tengok. puasa puasa aku jadi orang paling garang. takde mood jadi baik. sebab hati keras. sibuk cakap hati aku lembik kan, ha amik. keras macam konkrit. :)

tak boleh cakap sebarangan, nanti orang kata aku suka parade. so bila ada masalah aku diam diam je la ye dakk? :)

nak delete la orang kat fb. rimas. padan muka kena delete. ho yeah! :D

Tamak

2010-08-18T22:47:00.003+08:00

Tak semua suka apa kita buat. Adatlah. Kita pun bukan suka semua manusia. Benda lumrah kalau nak diarguekan memang gila. Terima, teguk air dan telan bulat bulat. Jangan sampai tercekik. Nanti satu hal nak pergi hospital. Kalau sempat. Kalau tak gigil sorang sorang kat dapur tunggu ajal sapa ajak duduk alam barzakh.

Apa bebel.

Gila.

Bulan puasa. Duga iman. Duga perut. Duga akal. Pendek kata duga semua lah. Semalam mimpi aneh. Nak tergelak pun ada. Sebab sangat sangat tak masuk akal. Dah nama pun mimpi kan. Semua berubah. Dari apa dicakapkan, apa dibuat hingga mimik muka. Dah macam clown. Bukan, clown comel lagi. Dah macam Chucky. Ha. Baru kena. Rasa nak meletup. More macam emotional breakdown. Janji macam sial. In the end sama ending macam Monster Inc.

Tak faham?

Bagus.

Banyak benda berubah sekarang. Dah malas nak jadi friendly macam dulu. In the end semua macam witch naik penyapu pakai topi tinggi muka seringai garang gigi hitam rambut sakai tunggu masa nak terkam kita letak potion and spells macam macam. Doesnt mean aku tak suka classmates sekarang. Sayang dorang lebih! Because we're small group, we can joke and laugh benda sama sama dan semua lupa benda tu lepas 5 minit. Semua gila. Termasuk aku. Boleh joke dengan Miss. Gelak gelak tak dapat jawab soalan lepas tu buat muka blur masa Miss ajar. Comel kan laki with 7 bini? :D More like 7 bini yang garang garang laki dengar je cakap. Lawak. Kau boleh depend on them. Tanyalah anything, tak lokek. Tak mahu fikir future sebab pretty much kelam suram hitam tapi for now memang itulah dia. Ada. Dan jujur.

Bunyi macam tak logik tapi ada lagi. Bukan macam mereka. Bulan puasa tak elok mengata.

Astagfirullah.

Benda makan dalam, dah biasa. Telan je. Tipu luaran benda mudah kan.

Tamak gila ada tiga blog. serigala jadian, serigalan jadian 2 (tumblr) and pixelette. weee~~~~

Guilty

2010-08-18T21:05:00.000+08:00

i feel guilty
my words are empty
no signs to give you
i don't have the time for you

you say i'm heartless
and you say i don't care
i used to be there for you
and you've said i seem so dead, that i have changed
but so have you

guilty, guilty i feel so
empty, empty you know how to make me feel

i put a shield upon you
i didn't mean to hurt you
i would have only poisoned your mind
never meant to make you cry

you've been so thoughtless
i can see right through you
you used to be there for me
so don't you leave and say goodbye
cause you have changed but so have i

i never thought that the time and the distance
between us made you so much colder
i'll carry the world on my shoulders

2010-08-16T23:01:00.000+08:00

:(

2010-08-14T00:36:00.002+08:00

Saya demam.

Tapi takde temperature. Kekal 36'c or 37'c. Badan rasa panas, dan bila malam saya mengigil. Macam sekarang. Tidur kena pakai sweater, tapi tak akan berpeluh. Kaki sejuk, macam duduk dalam aircond. Badan lenguh lenguh, macam bisa badan. Selsema dan batuk kadang kadang sapa hello. Buat masa sekarang dah hilang sebab makan ubat Dr Syima bagi on Thursday. Hari ini sudah Jumaat tapi this so-called demam makin teruk. Mengigil sangat malam semalam. Pagi tadi sahur macam poyo pakai sweater. Mungkin jugak sebab hujan.

Tapi sekarang tak hujan. Mungkin tadi hujan jadi sekarang sejuk. Jadi saya mengigil kan?

Tapi dah makan panadol dan ubat Doc bagi, kenapa masih belum kebah? Saya makan every 4 hours kalau malam.

Doc kata kalau makin teruk, saya kena ambil darah untuk check. Mungkin denggi.

Takutnya.

Tapi kakak saya kata mungkin side effect spirulina sebab saya dah lama tak makan berterusan hari hari. Mungkin. Kita tunggu dan lihat.

I dont care what is the reason, all i want is to be healthy dan tak rasa nak pitam siang hari masa puasa. Saya ini memang sudah underweight by 10 kilos. Tapi doc kata kalau naik 7 kilo memang ideal sangat. Saya timbang haritu kurang 2 kilo dari 50kg. Memang itu berat badan sepanjang tahun, tak mahu naik naik. Asyik turun saja. Dan tadi timbang sudah turun 4 kilo. Semalam masih berat yang sama. Haih. Should I be worried? Maybe it's nothing. Biasalah kan bulan puasa turun berat badan? Sebab masa berbuka saya tak makan nasi sebab terlalu kenyang nanti terbongkang depan tv tak pergi terawih. Saya paling suka makan roti john dan murtabak + air mineral sejuk saja. Tapi sahur tu wajib nasi lah. Kalau tiada nasi mesti kena roti. Sebab saya tak akan mampu puasa makan roti sekeping atau minum air kosong saja. Sahur mesti banyak makan. Extra extra banyak.

Tapi berat turun 4 kilo. Sedih nya. Nanti orang ingat saya diet atau anorexia. :(

Shout it

2010-07-27T23:51:00.002+08:00

shout it from the roof top. tell them i was happy. and my heart is broken. all my scars are open. tell them what i hoped would be impossible.

Boss.

2010-07-24T18:00:00.004+08:00

Aku paling pantang orang bossy. Hey. Do your job and I'll do mine lah. Tak perlu kau susah payah penat jerih lelah bagai nak make sure MY job is done where as kau buat kerja sambil lewa lepas tu ada hati nak cakap ''I did my part already''

Kalau aku tak sabarkan diri, kau dah kena sembur dari haritu.

Tanya tu elok elok la. Tak reti nak cakap sorry ke ape?
Please. Be nice. Stop bossing me around. Kau buat part kau elok elok nanti sudahlah eh.
Tak perlu nak kecoh part aku okay?

Aku manusia, bukan robot.

p.s : I don't think I like you very much.

tali. layang.

2010-07-22T00:55:00.004+08:00

kutipkan sisa sisa jiwa rapuh itu

jahitkan ia

simpulkan mati

agar jiwa tak mampu robek lagi

biarkan dia bebas

dengan sekatan

sekali sekala

tak ada salahnya,

bukan?

mana boleh kebebasan hakiki

bukan hak kita untuk dipersoalkan

bukan milik sesiapa untuk dibuangkan

benar?

mana bisa perintah berkurung

boleh kau boleh duduk dalam sangkar

diam diam

tanpa komunikasi

tanpa ada bisa memahami

tiap detik kau disekat

boleh?

layang layang

ada tali

bukan untuk dibebaskan terus

bukan jua untuk digenggam erat tanpa dilepaskan langsung

nah

mana mungkin layang layang itu terbang dan kembali

tanpa seutas tali itu

kan?

kau bakal soalkan siapa tali siapa layangnya

dan aku cuma ada satu soalan yang mahu jawapan jujur kau

sejak bila aku ujarkan dan aku sebutkan andai kata ini soalnya engkau?

*senyum*

Syafrah Ashadi

01.05 am

Kapar

rebah

2010-07-22T00:24:00.002+08:00

bergetap bibirku

saat aku ujar kata kata itu

saat aku laungkan bisikan rindu

tangisan syahdu

menggigil menahan

hibanya rasa jiwa

hinanya rasa jasad

tidak terungkap kata kata

akhirnya rebah

detik itu

bersuara halus

"bangun sayang

bangun

bangkit dari jiwa usang

tepis segala yang mendatang

kau bisa sayang

jikalau kau cuma mampu melihat

apa yang dibentangkan

khas

untuk mereka mereka

yang dikeji

yang dicaci

yang tak dipeduli''

siapa mahu dongak kepala lihat aku?

kalian kah?

dusta belaka

saat mata ini perit melihat apa yang diperhatikan

mana dia?

mana?

saat jasad lemah kaku tercalar egonya

mana dia?

mana?

dan saat jiwa rapuh ini robek hilang struktur asalnya

mana dia?

mana?

jangan dusta mengatakan kau ada

jangan bingit mengatakan kau kasih

sedangkan cuma

hipokrasi belaka

tipu daya

kalau kau bisa mengerti

kalau kau bisa memahami

apa gunanya

kau akan buat buat tuli

Syafrah Ashadi

12.51 am

Kapar

365 days

2010-07-07T20:41:00.005+08:00

070709

I love you Benn.

Thank youu

for being there for me when I need you the most

for making me feel better about myself everytime I have doubts.

for putting up with my endless tantrums when I have depression

for loving me, for who I am.

Maybe this love won't last, maybe tomorrow I won't be around, maybe one day death comes knocking by the door.

But,

Perhaps this love will last. Maybe tomorrow I am around, annoying the bits out of you. Maybe death will come later in future.

Who knows, kan? We can't predict the future, unlike Paul the Octopus. :p

I love you anyway. As long as we are here, loving each other, with the imperfections and silly fights and laughing at silly jokes, I'm glad I choose you. :)

Thanks hun, for everything. I love you.

2010-07-05T14:35:00.002+08:00

Rasa malas tiba tiba nak go for 30days challenge tu. Sebab kena update hari hari. Dan of courselah, aku jenis ikut mood. Rasa nak update baru lah belek belek blog. Kadang terus update tumblr je. Sebab mudah, reblog saja any pics that i like or wordings that i love.

Harini puasa ganti. So far so goooood.

Off to watch The Proposal on telly. I love this movie. I think Sandra Bullock is so darn adorable.

Q & A

2010-07-02T22:36:00.003+08:00

Someone asked me a simple question ;

''What do you want right now Syafrah?''

Aku jawab pada dia ;

I want to be healthy, I want to excel in my studies, I want certain things to go smoothly, I want my dad to be healthy and happy, I want my family to be happy macam dulu dulu, I want to see my mama in my dreams, I want my nieces and nephews to grow up, happy and be the lil incredibles. I want my life to be blessed. I want money, to pay my loans and such. I want to have a great job, the one that I won't be stuck in traffic every evening and I want to have a business on my own.

Dia gelak.

''Syafrah, what do you really want right now?. One thing saja''

''Alaaa. Not fair. Only satuuu? Can be fiction tak?''

''Mana boleh. It must be in reality form lah''

''Reality? It sucks la weh''

''Okayyy FINE. Fiction then''

''Aku nak kahwin''

''Palotak kau. Bebetul la. Itu reality la bangang''

*laughs*

''Betul ape. Fiction lah kalau sekarang''

''Syafrah Ashadi!!''

Lama aku diam.

''What I really want right now is for my love ones to be happy and healthy. Even if gantikan sakit dan unhappiness dorang tu pada aku.''

Exhausted. nya

2010-07-01T22:57:00.002+08:00

hari hari commute kapar-shah alam.

hari hari juga commute shah alam - kapar.

balik dah petang. kalau sempat tidur. kalau tak sempat main game. baring baring dan pick up nieces. makan dinner. mandi somewhere in between. kadang kadang qada je.

dan ini lah dia.

hari hari commute kapar - shah alam.

hari hari juga commute shah alam - kapar.

dan resultnya baru pukul 10 dah mengantuk tahap max. terus rasa tua macam nenek nenek.

baru tahu peritnya commute hari hari macam ni. dulu kalau mengantuk pagi2 boleh lena seround dua dalam kereta. sebab jadi co-pilot je. or passenger belakang. dan petang2 balik kelas pun tidur lagi seround dua kadang kadang sampai boleh mimpi. sekarang kena drive sendiri. memang nak nangis je rasa sebab lori banyak dan suka hon lepas tu jam. dekat traffic lite area setia alam jam. dekat traffic lite depan giant13 jam. oi tension gila. lepas tu kena extra alert hari hari sebab drive kan. so banyak guna energy etc. dah lah diri ini pemalas makan kalau tengah busy. grab roti sekeping bajet boleh last sampai malam.

memang tak lah kan.

okay dah mengantuk. nak peluk bantal dan mimpi mimpi indah.

hopefully tak mimpi jatuh dalam laut lagi. apa punya horror mimpi jumpa mermaid.

bagilah mimpi jumpa J.Depp.